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The Sleeping Girl
Not my hopes and dreams, silly! I don't have any of those!

Recently, I learned that humans dream every time they sleep, even multiple times before waking. And even that REM sleep is not necessary to dream, only makes the visualization of them stronger and more vivid. I was amazed, and now I resolve to remember even more of my dreams. It made me realizing that sleeping is not just wasted time, a necessity, it's a time of essential nourishment and allows the brain to explore itself in a way it cannot do when you are conscious, and this growth becomes tangible when you remember them. I value dreams greatly, I value their insight, their absurdity, the memories they dredge out from the abcesses of my puny mind. To think my brain is capable of this is an amazement. Forgetting a dream is a greivable loss, to me. I hope that you can learn to appreciate their importance, as well.

Dreaming techniques The most crucial part of remembering your dreams is knowing that you dream every single time you sleep. This is not entirely depnendent on REM sleep, it just makes dreams more vivid and clearer. After I learned this, it made an instant and drastic improvement in remembering my dreams, maybe like remembering them inconsistently, a couple of times monthly, to atleast several times a week. It's like a mental block where you put no effort into remembering your dreams, because you assume that because you cannot really remember, you did not have one. Barriers to remembering your dreams:
  • Bright, flashing lights or sudden changes in lighting
  • Loud, distracting noses, especially yelling and conversation
  • Being woken up unnaturally, such as by alarm or being shook awake by someone
  • Generally being uncomfortable and shifting around too much
  • Being excessively hungry, thirsty, or having need to relieve yourself to the point of the need being distracting
  • Zoning out and thinking of anything but dreams upon waking up, not being aware of the existence of dreams
  • An inconsistent sleep schedule that makes your sleep erratic and unsatisfying
  • Certain drugs or medical conditions that interfere with natural sleeping cycles, especially that of REM sleep
  • Poor sleeping habits in general
  • Some of these barriers may have a more or lesser effect on you than others, and that's up to you to evaluate which ones are the most detrimental to you. Then, if you're truly determined to unlock your dreaming potential, minimize the incidence of these barriers, if possible. Minimizing dream barriers:
  • Light: Wear a sleep mask. Put a blanket, blindfold, or even your own hand over your eyes to prevent light from getting through. Invest in blackout curtains, or blankets over any windows. Use a nightlight if you need one.
  • Noise: Listen to brown noise or your preferred color to block out any tinnitus you might have and to reduce any distracting or unpleasant background noise. Binaural beats, ambient noise such as whale calls or rain noises, or gentle music also work if that's what you prefer. Earplugs or earbuds can be used if necessary, but make sure they have a comfortable fit in your ears and don't shift around too much in your sleep.
  • Being woken up: Try to wake up 30 minutes or so before your alarm or before being woken up. This will give you enough time to relax and remember your dreams, while also not sacrificing too much of your sleep. Preferably, you will want to do this without an alarm. Something that helps me is deciding in my head at what time I want to wake up, say 07:30, and letting my body do the rest of the work. People who try to wake you up are often very invasive in their methods and sometimes you can't stop them from being so irritating, but atleast ask them if they'll consider using gentler methods to wake you up. Otherwise, you're out of luck.
  • Uncomfortability: Experiment with what you feel most comfortable with when you sleep. Maybe you like to sleep on the floor, or your 10-year-old futon. Prioritize your comfort and health. I reccomend a firm body pillow to latch onto, a weighted blanket, memory foam pillows, and perhaps a comforting stuffed animal by your side. Try to avoid sleeping in positions that give you neck or back pain, be aware of how you feel before you drift off. Don't just settle.
  • Needs: Take a piss before you sleep, keep a bottle of water next to your bed. Eat something fibrous and fulfilling, or go to bed hungry if that's your thing. If you're sick or depressed (they're kind of one in the same), there's not much you can do but try to take care of yourself the best you can, as hard as that is.
  • Zoning out: I struggle with this, often going straight from night-dreaming to day-dreaming. Perhaps have an object that functions as an anchor to remember your dreams. This may take some time to form an association, so be patient and consciouslly think of dreams when you look at that object until you just default to dreams on your own. Make sure it's in a spot where you can see it first thing when you wake up, and move any obstructions or distractions. Personally though, my dreams dissipate fast when I open my eyes, so if you're the same as me maybe use an object to squeeze or a certain sensation as a dreaming anchor. Meditate before you sleep to clear your mind.
  • Inconsistent sleep schedule: It's very hard and I am very resistant to creating a sleep schedule for myself, but they are nonetheless important. It's easier if you're not a NEET. Try to sleep at around the same time every night (preferably within an hour of your set time) and let yourself wake up naturally. Take naps throughout the day if needed. I love naps.
  • Do not question the sanctity of dreams, no matter how sensical or non.

    Friday, March 31st, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I went to the wrong mall and I was inside looking at the new amusement park they were putting up. The floor was pulsating with red lights and a ginger girl was trying to figure out the pattern and the exact timing of the pulsing. Everything was dark and shrouded and dank. Everywhere seemed to lead to an exit, and I soon figured out it was the wrong mall, but then I felt like I didn't know what to do or where to go. I went out of the mall and it was night. Started walking down a street in the ghetto that had 3 sets of sidewalks all next to each other. cont

    Thursday, March 30th, 2, 023

    I had a dream me and Samuel were playing Alicia Online. When we played with others I always drew back and stopped putting so much effort in, and it was irl, and I was controlling the horse in real life, but with magic. When we played alone I played really ruthlessly and would kick yours and another person's horse to the side and make them skid in the mud, just to get ahead. I kept doing this but eventually I got tired of it after 2 or 3 hours. But I was really mean in the last round, I don't remember what I did now, but I was really brutal. We ended up tying at exactly the same time, down to the nanosecond. But I still gloated all over her, and she said that she didn't understand me while looking at a screenshot of my nudes on her phone. She screenshotted every picture I sent her, atleast 5 times, and I told her she could just download them, but she squirmed around uncomfortably.

    Wednesday, March 29th, 2, 023

    Luft came to see me at my house because I didn't go to school and I remember I was so hungry I just kept eating, cannibalizing my grandmother's pantry. All my family kept filing in through the door, my sister, my uncle, and his children, my tall aunt, and I was like what the fuck man, I just want to hide! I went to go back to sleep, you know, but eventually I cheered up and got better. Luft suggested that we go to Wal-Mart because they had a new purchasable Gameboy and they only had like 40 copies in existence. I was like yes, okay, I've never gotten to be alone with you . . . He tripped over all of the shoes we have in the hall , and so did I, and I apologized for the mess. We walked there and it felt airy and nice and nice and nice and niccceeeeee. Sometime after that, everything was dark, we went to an outdoor concert kind of thing. I was goaded by all of my family, and he wanted to take a picture of me with my head half-staring at a statue of Monty Python (?) and I was like what the hell, you do actually think I am cute and beautiful! We kept walking and I eventually felt his hand brush against me, and we were eventually hand-in-hand and it felt so nice, but so stiff too. When we were walking down the concrete stairs, he wanted to take a picture of us and Luft said he would prefer it if he pulled up my shirt a little bit. I could hardly comprehend what he was saying, he said it several times, but it was all gibberish to me.

    Tuesday, March 28th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I met my mom's boyfriend's (nonexistent) daughter. He said "sorry, she really likes to roleplay," and she was half Asian with messy black hair, and I met her mother. She asked me if I had a small company where I made sea creature trinkets, and I told her no, but it definitely should have been me! I was naked in bed and my rocking horse, Dill Pickle, came to life and they wanted to smash a hole in my wall to make room for a porthole that didn't touch the outside. That's what they told me, atleast, and I watched them set in the glass, and I wondered how they even measured the correct window size because it was supposed to fix the broken window, but it didn't!

    Thursday, March 16th, 2, 023

    Luft was driving me to this place that my uncle wanted me to go to and I was in the passenger seat staring back at him, and alternatively out of the window. He was talking to me but all of the weirds were indistinct. I wasn't really responding but felt guilty and like I should respond, but I kept getting distracted just by being there. One track mind be like. When we got there he kind of disappeared and I was looking for him 'cause of how I follow people around to find my way, like a puppy dog. I couldn't find him so I just had to find my own way around this weird sprawling kitchy complex full of strangers on the type of round cemented picnic tables. I remember that you were looking up at the stars, even though the sun was still out you could see a million other stars. I remember an orange juice carton that was in the shape of a teddy bear in a fire-fighting suit, with the nozzle at the bear's belly button, and I thought in the dream that it was the most ingenious thing ever. A lot of my cousins and my uncle were also there, but my memory of it is vague. There was also an inpronouncable word that was like a combination of the words "crystalline", "secreterial", and "seraphim."

    Thursday, March 9th, 2, 023

    I was sitting side-by-side with Luft and talking in muffled voices with him, or whispered voiced. Leaning into each other, with the shoulders touching. My computer got some virus and they wrote their names on the keys of the pop-up keyboard (I never use it) and I was like -_- Leave me alone stupid plebbitor! They also stole my bank details and shit, so I was a bit distracted, but also didn't really care that much. Luft also kept leaving at random intervals and I wondered when he would come back and he had nervous/fidgety behaviors. Taking his coat on and off, clicking the buttons together, stroking his arm, playing with his hair.

    Monday, February 26th, 2, 023

    Scarlett was in my dream, 14 or 15 year old, on the verge of death. My mother kept insisting that she was going to die any moment, very frail. I had not seen her for years and I cradled her in my arms. She was weak but she lit up when she saw my face and had the energy to keep walking. I miss you so much. A dream that I cannot remember at all, but with the lingering sense that it was very, very important. I felt the prescence of two people and purple or green.

    Tuesday, February 21st, 2, 023

    Luft was in my dream, but I don't remember how. Mom giving me rafflesias in tiny pots, Christmas gifts piled high for me, she was compensating for a time that she hurt and traumatized me. My sisters turning the lights on, and off, and on and off. Going outside and finally being told off for something. Told that I do not breathe naturally, but proving that I do with a handshake.

    Monday, February 20th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I messaged Luft something stupid about granola and he blocked me, then he edited his message being like "I'm sorry but the part about the granola was too much for me. I don't like you anymore." Soon afterwards I saw him on an online game, he edited his message again, being like "tbh I hate you!" I felt so devastated. I also looked inside my drawers, after he had essentially broken up with me, and I had a box of Valentine's chocolates from a year ago from a girl named Jocelyn. It said, will you be my valentine? But I remember totally brushing her off, because I wasn't a lesbian, and I never answered her question. Also dreams that Scarlett came home to me, apparently she was just in the hospital the whole time, so thin and bony, my frail little girl, but it was definitely Scarlett and acted just like her even though I had watched her die! My sister and my mom were screaming at me to clean my room while I lived in filth and hid away.

    Friday, February 17th, 2, 023

    Dream I was at a computer science conference, there was also a small expo hall for some reason, and there were furries, selling fursuit heads and fursuits. They also sold little polymer clay charms and furry art badges and everything else under the sun. Mostly just junky wholesale shit they got from eBay and I chatted with the two trannies manning (hehe) the shop for a while, and I climbed the wall of those cheap little charms until I found an orca charm. I lost sight of it for a second because they wanted to massage my hands with this special cream, kind of like how they do it at Vietnamese nail salons, I guess to make me buy the product or something. So I stopped for a second, distracted by how the rigorous massaging felt, and they complimented me on how soft my hands were. They said my feet were the real problem, so I was thus reluctant to show off my toes. Then I went to the charm-shelf-wall again, but I couldn't find my orca, so the transgender rummaged around and found it for me, rung it up for me as being $1.50. They were really nice to me and gave me a red velvet cupcake for buying something, I guess they didn't really get much business, they said if I bought more charms they would give me a special deal. But I wandered off again to go look at a stand that specialized in whale sculptures and I saw Luft when I was standing on the shelf, I couldn't help but look at him, smiling, then look away bashfully. There was also this lesbian girl that was there, I was apparently in a relationship with her before, but I kept ignoring her, while she kept trying to pester me. Dream that a fat girl gave me a flimsy off-brand Lego train station set, and I was trying to take it home, and I eventually found a box to put it in and carry it around. Luft was there and we were trying to find a bus to sit on together and get to his house, but we missed all of the busses, so we went through the school's garage and there was a lot of empty rooms that were supposed to be shops. They were all completely devoid of human life, abandoned, no music, similar to those Amazon stores where you can take something off the racks and it is instantly charged to your credit card, without having to actually interact with another person. Everything floated. Everything was sterile. So we went through the garage, and for some reason his dad and his dad's friends worked there, so they let us take his car, I don't remember what else happened between this and then, but he got into the driver's seat and was trying to make the car start in the abject cold.

    Thursday, February 16th, 2, 023

    Another dream that I cannot remember.

    Tuesday, February 14th, 2, 023

    Complex dream that I intially remembered, but then it slipped all away from me. Luft was in it.

    Sunday, February 12th, 2, 023

    It was after a long club meet, it was 11 PM for some reason. Luft was on the other side of a really tall snow bank sitting in a lawn chair and I was like hiking over the snow bank. I got my Vans (shoes) full of snow and when I got to the other side I just laid on the ground, with my head on the ice spwaled out like I was going to make a snow angel. I was tempted to but I didn't make any snow angels. I just stared at the stars and closed my eyes and listened to him talk.

    Saturday, February 4th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I was in a PetPetPark type of world, and I went to the beach with my family. After an hour of swimming and diving down to the depths I realized that my family was just suntanning and not doing anything at all. Then I realized that the beach we were at was actually just a shallow puddle, and the actual coast was some ways down. We prepared to move our stuff to the actual beach, but then this peacock came and stole my shit, except I didn't notice for a while. When I did notice his goofy ass was already running up the sandy driftwood stairs of the beach, carring my stuff in his beak. It wasn't much, just my backpack, my phone, and a sweater, and I had a coast [sic] but I was bare naked otherwise. So I run after the peacock and get my mom to run after him too, but she gives up after a while because you have to climb up a bunch of rocks, but I didn't know how to stop him, so I just watch him futilely sell all my goods in his Animal Crossing home. Fuck you, Tom Nook. More things I remember: eating 3 slices of pizza and my sister being really mad she had to come, and why is Esty always allowed to stay home, and all that garble. Casca was thereand she was like, well if it's $500 for one person, I might as well spend $250 for each person to get a mediocre burger and a TV sesh. I loved sharks, and I dived down to see the sharks, all the time, yeah. Luft was in my dream, but I dont remember how now. There was a part about a Chinese buffet but he wasn't involved in that bit.

    Friday, February 3rd, 2, 023

    Dream that I put on too much deodorant and gagged on the smell, also I considered wearing headbands, and my grandma made batches of frozen pretzel bites.

    Wednesday, February 1st, 2, 023

    I had a dream that me and Luft were sitting across a table from each other, but we didn't talk to each other. These two other people were talking to me so I dmed him and said sometimes I feel so normal, but sometimes really weird when I listen to other people talk. He said when he wants to isolate himself he plays Warframe for hours at a time and blanks everything out. I told him that I used to do something similar with how I played Rimworld. The people we were talking to were Alex and Kylie, and Alex was apparently a 15-year-old server (he's older than that) and was insecure about talking about it. I played with this guy who graduated like 3 months before me, hard expressions, stern face. Something about living in a dystopia, being married to some guy that wasn't Luft and I was the CEO of this luxury bag shop. When I stepped inside it was like a Wii game you know, I could go into the wardrobe and it said that even if I preferred my clothes to be randomized, I had to do it the typical way instead, just with more clothes and no cost. Financially dependent, living in Thneedville.

    Wednesday, January 25th, 2, 023

    We had like a house inside of the mall somehow and my grandma (non-bio) sent me postcards with monopoly money for Valentine's day. I had to poop, it was like a communal living room, and the toilet for some reason was in the corner on the room. All of my friends were there (not really friends, just people I know from club) and I pooped while Luft was writing on a drawing I made for him like in the margins in tiny, tiny handwriting. It's really unlike him because what I've seen from him, it's really sloppy and boyish and endearing. Deep contemplation. I really wanted to read it, just not now, maybe when he leaves . . . Then I leave and I'm strolling around the mall with my family and on the big screens, they're going over the news of the latest shooting there. Suddenly it interrupts with breaking news and some whispering that they have suddenly seen 3 white men acting suspicious enter and then I start hearing alarms. One is walking down the hallway, and I was panicking internally, trying to sneak clandestinely to the side or something. Then I ran behind these two girls, who were still oblivious and confused because their backs were turned, but the shooter was coming their way. So I screamed this tortured, ear-splitting pig squeal that made them run for the exit and I covered my face with my hands. He somehow didn't shoot me and I ran to the exit too, but it wasn't really the exit, the entrance to a theater; deception. I never got to know what Luft wrote or if he ended up being okay. Other small things I remember is my uncle making a mustache out of whipped cream and a bottle of "sodiumie" that costs $9,864/mg and on the bottle it listed that its intended usage was suicide and I was like huh that's weird.

    Sunday, January 22nd, 2, 023

    The ginger catholic girl asked me if I wanted to go to her house with some friends for like a Barbie fashion show or something and I was really scared but goaded into going anyways. All I remember other than that is going into some random hotel or truckstop and asking an old German man where the bathroom was. I had huge wings.

    Saturday, January 21st, 2, 023

    Luft was in my dream and I stole his towel (in reality it was probably his coat, the lovely red plaid coat he wears everyday . . .) so I could sleep with it and breathe his scent. Sacred boysmell . . . He played some game on his phone called Alien Harvest and I wanted to play it too, you know, just to get in his head. My mom wanted to see my phone, but I said no, so I deflected it by saying I had a little crush on somebody and then I was shrunk into a child and brought to a massive dingy arcade. I played there, it was almost a complete black-out. There was a carousel that was free to go on. When people went on, some of the mounts would go the wrong way or spin in circles and crash into each other. But nobody could really tell because of how dark it was. I wondered why I even wanted to clean his towel/coat, since it still had the scent I liked so much on it, and my mom and Travis were talking about how her pussy was still tight and she didn't need any strenghtening cream or anything. Something else was probably important but I don't remember.

    Monday, January 16th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I sent a bunch of nudes in a furry Discord server, or something similar. I immediately left after that, then immediately came back. In the gallery they put an album of my images calling me "the world's youngest E-slut" even though I was 18 and that would definitely not be the case. It was 8 am, the sun was rising, and the owner said only a select group of people would get to see my nudes since I was a "new slut" and "freshly 18." One girl said I looked like a milady rendered in real life and I was so flattered. I was wearing lip plumper and my eyes were a vacant fluoride stare. I wore a black sleveless high neck shirt, but I pulled my tits out and someone said if they didn't grope my thighs first it would be a tragedy because of how stiff and unhorny my body would be otherwise. Dream with my sister, we were making a cake and we were going to wear maid outfits. This lady put all her medications on the top shelves, but she didn't label them, so she would just feed us and her students with whatever. Scarlett was there too, and I was cleaning the crust out of her eyeson a high-up bunk bed. This guy took a random white-and-red stiped pill and immediately vomited.

    Saturday, January 14th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that I was acting like a spoiled kid so my family sent me to my family's ranch in South Dakota and I was kind of mad and they gave me sweat pants that said 'death metal' on them. But I only wanted them to say 'death' so I painted off the rest with black paint and it was flaky and horrible. They kept telling me to work outside and I kept destroying their rail system for transporting farm goods (it was like Minecraft) to get enough gold and iron to make this new thing. They told me to go gather redstone and then a raid happened and their dog died and I felt victorious! I had a bear in the house, but he looked like a dog. It slept for 2 weeks, but then he woke up and I tried to be cautious around him. Then I was like, hmmm he is probably gonna attack me if he's starving. Should I feed him roast beef or salami? I decided I should feed him roast beef after all so I put a couple of pieces hanging out of my mouth, and I remember how it tasted, and he tried to jump up to get it from me, like I was teasing him. I just dropped it down so he wouldn't maul me or anything. Letting him play in the snow, watching him happily, trying to hide the fact that he's actually a whole ass bear and trying to find more food for him so he won't starve.

    Friday, January 13th, 2, 023

    My sister was crying because the Pope banned uranium in [haordye] and Katye joined [ajomoc] and she shared these moving GIFs of amateur old warrior car drawings and I was like what the fuck, all of those are actually mine! I took my mom's pills out of a super long endless cabinet, it just seemed so long, going on and on . . . It was for a painting and I kept getting white paint in my hair and I got so frustrated, and didn't want to be accused of stealing her pills (what would I do with them, anyway) so I put all of them back. My grandparents really, really wanted to take me on a trip to Rome.

    Tuesday, January 10th, 2, 023

    Me and my grandma and my sister were in Goodwill (idk why so many of my dreams are in Goodwills or other thrift shops) and we were looking at jeans and they only had one pair in my size (4). They were $89.99 and I was like, for fuck's sake, can't I just take this tag off and forge a new one or something because I am NOT paying that much! Then the clothing racks went into very fractional sizes, like 3-1/2, 3-3/4, and so forth. Then I went through the Lego aisle and stuff like with knock-off Legos and Microblocks. They had tiny sets that had a mommy orca and a baby orca and a big wave that they were propped up on. They were 400-something pieces and they costed $19.99. I kept wishing that I had money of my own. I wandered around some more and found a gray heavy-duty backpack with skeletons on it for $49.99 and inside it, there were these strange emoji balls and something else that I don't remember. My grandma was sitting on the floor (a miracle for her fatass) inspecting it with me because I kind of begged her to buy it for me, because my old backpack was falling apart. I thought about forging this price tag too, but it seemed so intentional to me, as it included the price of the strange emoji balls and whatever other things were inside of it.

    Saturday, January 7th, 2, 023

    I had a dream that my sister made crudely cut-out arm warmers out of a shirt and she made this song that was somehow a rip-off of me and it was a synthtone song. All her miseries were represented with something like Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon cards and then I was in this apartment building. Matthew and Trevor from school and this Latin guy lived in the building and I was just over to hang out. Matthew was making Kraft mac and cheese for my sister and doing a really bad job at it, I think he burnt it or just didn't understand the instructions. He kept a huge box of mango fruit snacks on the top of his fridge and told Trevor he was happy that his household was dairy-free because it was just so complicated. My mom was berating my sister for being a pussy again. Her childhood friend hid in the 2nd kitchen of Matthew's apartment and she wanted to rape me and whenever I went in there just to take a peek she would stare at me silently and try to make me feel guilty for rejecting her. I also remember being pestered about being 18 and hanging out with a 30 year old but I don't really remember by who (the Latin guy was the 30 year old). And he was like well, are you ready to get serious, and I was like . . . eep! I don't know! Maybe if you had a healthier lifestyle and we could cuddle then maybe . . . He was like, okay, I can make that work. We were in his apartment and I don't really remember what happened but I imagined myself cuddling with him inside of the dream (meta moment) and I felt repulsed. He was light skin Latino, the weird kind of fade haircut, kind of husky and tall so he really intimidated me and I felt like he would wreck me inside (both emotionally and physically) and I felt like he would go too fast with stuff, but at the same time, I was really horny, so I was seriously considering it. Don't remember anything past losing my heirloom ring again and drawing THE tropical flower for exactly two minutes.

    Friday, January 6th, 2, 023

    Knock-off on gummy-gum balls, AP tests, in the dark wandering around with the Emily girl. My dad in my dream, we got ice cream several times and I always got strawberry in some way or another, different forms, same strawberry. Black van, my brother seething because he's retarded. The man at the counter told me that scoop ice cream was messier but it was all in packages and I threw the package of gummy-gum ball hybrids on the floor as I walked out (I was gonna shoplift it but he noticed it). Didn't want to be charged with petty theft. I went home with my dad.

    Wednesday, January 4th, 2, 023

    A tornado or hurricane happened at Samuel's house, but she ran outside to go take pictures and I kept begging for her to come back inside. Some people thought it was the end of days. A lot of people were outside, wandering, waiting expectantly . . . This gaunt scraggly hunter had a shotgun and pointed it at the both of us and told us that we had to play his game, otherwise he was going to kill us. The game was to shoot at the other, with the cover of some random object in the garage (like a dilapidated mini-fridge or something to take the hit or something). I instantly panicked, dreading and shaking, but Samuel said that it was going to be okay, we could spin it back around on him and somehow we went inside for a moment to go and prepare for the game. I was almost incoherent at that point and I told all of my siblings not to go outside, stay inside, and I mentioned the game to my grandma and she said, "oh, him? I know that he's just bluffing. He said he wanted to be the one to throw stones at glass houses for once." I immediately burst into tears and sobbed because I thought we were both getting a death sentence. Then I went back into the garden with my sister and tried to stay calm and cool off, Samuel ran away from me.

    Sunday, January 1st, 2, 023

    I had a lot of dreams but I fell back asleep when I was remembered them.

    Wednesday, December 28th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that I bought a huge vegan burrito at some type of fair and I was eating it at a table. It tasted okay, but still kind of weird and sour but once I opened up the strange enclosed center (like a mini tortilla square within it) mayflies flew out and it was full of refried beans and there were maggots in it everywhere. Then I started to see the mold and filth all over the burrito and I threw it away. I also went walking through some old lady's vintage sales, heavy fleece sweaters, you get the deal.

    Monday, December 26th, 2, 022

    Dream that me and my mom and my little brother went to my sister's therapy appointment in her stead and there was a clothing shop with esoteric y2k stuff. Bright fluoroescent lights. Then a sea-life merchandise store where I kept falling through holes in the white floor and getting stuck in traps.

    Sunday, December 25th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that my mom let me do whatever I wanted. I took brandy into my room and I remember how it tasted. That poisonous taste alcohol always has, sweetness, and a surprising sharpness. I don't know if brandy actually tastes like that.

    Wednesday, December 21st, 2, 022

    Dream that it was my birthday and a bunch of relatives were coming over to our house. I was in the bathroom, on my period, and when I cleaned myself up and came back outside. Then my pussy started to really hurt bad (I could feel this in the dream, it's similar to how it hurts when the flesh becomes engorged and is just throbbing sore but worse and sharper, maybe even like a razor blade lodged inside compounded with that) so I went back into the bathroom and looked at my pussy. There was a weird cyst on the labia (pussy lip) so I opened up a shower razor and cut it open with the detached razor blade. I squeezed out all the gross cyst stuff and I sewed it back together with dental floss and a sewing needle. Then there was another one inside of me [?] so I went through the same process and went back outside. It began to hurt again and I didn't know what to do so I begged my mom to look at it in big, indistinct terms because I was really, really embarrassed. She finally understood and looked at it and my pussy was covered in angry purple scars. She figured it was infected and we were about to go to the hospital but the dream ended there. Dream of going to a casino-Goodwill hybrid to buy clothes for winter. $1 scarves, going down an aisle of sour belts and hot chips interspersed with ceramic angels and baby jesuses and carved doves with porcelain painting, all junk, to everyone else. I rememeber seeing the same things all the time, nobody ever bought anything from there.

    Tuesday, December 20th, 2, 022

    Samuel was lightly touching the sides of my torso and telling me, see, they are really sensitive.

    Friday, December 16th, 2, 022

    I knew that Samuel was in my dream, but I couldn't really remember it because I was going through my head essentially role-playing how I would relay the dream to her and got too distracted and thus forgot it.

    Saturday, December 10th, 2, 022

    A white dress motif in my dreams. Do all men really like white dresses? Weird dreams about stealing from Goodwill and drinking piss and generally just being a degenerate. . .?

    Thursday, December 8th, 2, 022

    Having really intense dreams and not being able to remember a lick of them! Very annoying! I know because I wake up in such a feeling. . .

    Tuesday, December 6th, 2, 022

    Had a dream about Landshark [Yes, that Landshark, but why. . .] showing me a sex tape he made with his girlfriend. Meta dream, very weird.

    Sunday, November 27th, 2, 022

    I only remember a small portion of this dream. I think Samuel occupied a large part of it. I said that I feel bad, I deserve today and she replied "Yes you do."

    Friday, November 25th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that me and my grandma went to one of those really empty department stores late at night. We were going home from a funeral of a distant family memeber; the mood was somber, introspective, but I also just felt largely indifferent and was anxious to get home. This one was called Sears Montgomery Ward. We passed it on the way home as we always did and through the tinted windows I saw a burnt orange silk dress that I really, really wanted. I also saw this Arabic guy with a handlebar mustache staring very intently at something as I had seen him done before and I was very intrigued. Every night that we passed it I saw him shambling through the barren halls stuffed with merchandise that nobody really wanted. We enter and the lights are naked LED lights shining dimly from above, it feels very dinky and run-down. I browse through the aisles, with only a couple things catching my attention. They kind of seemed to want to close down, with the lights flickering on and off, and eventually it was a whole blackout. During this I hastily cut off the tags from the things I wanted: a furry long cherry-red coat, the silk dress mentioned previously, an irrelevant pair of boots, an irrelevant sweater, and a ceramic whale figurine. The only employees in the store was one very paunchy very bored cashier--I took him to be the ownner's son--one female patroller, and a skinny guy with dark hair that offered us a free bottle of hot sauce. When we paid and went out the entire floor was covered in unorganized swathes of shoes and I struggled to find my own, eventually losing my new boots in the process. I started panicking a bit and looking frantically through the piles until I found mine and gave up on the newly-bought boots. A strange-looking Asian person came into the store and a bell sounded, we greeted them (I as if I were a drunk) and he grunted in turn. As we left one of the employees shwredly told my grandma that she was going to be cold, but said it's okay becuase the chlorine and food will warm her up soon.

    Thursday, November 24th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that my little brother (9, almost 10) had cancer and it was Halloween and there was going to be a party. My English teacher told me that I should check out this old red tower with creaky stairs and open a hatch to find a secret library and I went up there, fearful and holding my breath, but I didn't find much of anything except old books and pamphlets lying around. I started to feel absolutely wracked with paranoia, so I descended the ladder and my old chemistry teacher took notice of me and noted that he also thought the tower was odd. I went back to the classroom and all the lights were dimmed super low, so that it was almost pitch-black with some sweltering candles here and there. I told my English teacher what I had seen in hushed, serious tones and she thanked me for investigating it but was dissapointed I couldn't uncover anything concrete. Then I went over to the center table where everyone had put their potluck food and sucked on a candy cane casually and ate a chocolate cupcake one of the girls had made. I went around and looked at all their drawings and they asked me which one was my favorite costume and I said my favorite was the dead swan's which was my dying brother's costume. They asked me why and I said, because I watched a swan die. Samuel was there too and she came into the classroom and she was kind of upset and anxious and talked about how she fantasized about killing little children [she does not] and I laughed it off. I licked frosting off her nose. My phone was about to die and I felt really pissed off, it died but then I realized I could spend all my time with her and be just as well. I had a dream that I got tattoos at the age of 17. I woke up and was dissapointed that it wasn't real; I felt euphoric in that dream, kind of. It was like a competition where you could get tattoos for free of anything THEY wished from random therapists. The first was a doodly koi fish on my hand by an amateur. It was cute but the orange and blue bled through and were not very vibrant. The second was flowers going up my arm, monochrome stippling, the kind of flowers with petals that curl in on themselves. I see them commonly in tradiitional styles. Finally the third was a tattoo of a fierce elfess starting in-between my breasts and streching over my ribcage. She was enclosed within pussy lips but it looked actually artistic and had a feminist flair, which I can appreciate in a sense. I mentioned something absent-mindedly about my age and the tattooist stopped immediately, telling me that she couldn't go on and that I had to leave. I was incredulous but finally aquiesced and left. I went home and walked in through the garage and suddenly I was in my old house with the unfinished basement and I went into the small bathroom there. I pulled my shirt up and started in awe at the tattoo on my chest. I loved it and was in awe with tue quality of it, but she had only finished the lineart, and it was so thin still that it was difficult to decipher. . . I felt pissed, but also amused at what I thought my mother would say. It did not matter to me if she was mad at me because the tattoos would be there for life, there was no recourse, and so I set about daydreaming about all the possibilities and how people would react to my new form.

    Wednesday, November 23rd, 2, 022

    I had a dream hat my old therapist Skylar (from when I was in middle school) was actually a man and detransitioned (from being a trans woman) even though I remember that I stopped seeing Skylar because she was a diabetic woman who went on maternity leave. It was all a farce, apparently, and he had grown corpulent and musky. He was in an assisted care facility, as was I, because I said I had a "disjointment issue" and I was perilously mentally ill. I was going to be sharing a room with this guy and my economics teacher was in my dream and assigned to take care of me. He asked to see my drawing but I got shy and covered it with my elbows and went away. I stayed downstairs in the common area, but then I got suspicious of my roommate and he was rifling through my computer (I had cool awesome double monitors, by the way. I don't have those in real life. Not a chance.) and I was furious with him. He was looking through my Discord chat messages and some doujins I had saved to an encrypted folder. He was sitting in my chair and I slithered behind him and hugged him that way, wrapping my thin arms around his fat, expansive gunt. He essentially looked like a bonafide neckbeard. I pounded on his back with my fists and yelled at him and cried out and demanded an explanation but he said nothing at all. I made him get off and sit down with me with this other guy at the small dining table there and he kept deflecting all of my questions, giving roundabout sly answers. I wanted him to rape me really, really bad for some reason. I would never yearn for this normally.

    Tuesday, November 22nd, 2, 022

    Dream where I ate a sandwich with rotted salami and it was wet with mold that kept infesting the bread. Dream where I kept going to an indoor water park that melted into an Olympic swimming pool and was also as steamy as a sauna because I thought I would become so attractive they would cast me in the lead role of a summer movie about swimming. Probably like Baywatch. My dad brought me super early in the morning and when we crossed the frothy threshold I was confused because he wasn't giving me any money for the lock (to put my things away safely in a locker) so I had to remind him to give me like $4. He spillt a bunch of loose change on the floor so I got on my knees and set to picking it all up. The Ethiopian girl I know from school, cheery, bubbly, insincere, relayed some humorous story to an old couple that hated black people and I also had a broken shower head in my hand and I thought my father would stay there the whole time with me. I wanted to stay there for 8 hours everyday, essentially, and become a fish and get toned swimmer abs. I remember how it felt to go down a slide tummy first. The all-encompassing steam. Everything. I had a dream that I was a stringy-looking guy and I was a journalist investigating the poor conditions homeless children and orphans live in. Muck-racking type stuff. I was with this 13-year old boy that I was essentially using as my puppet and I found this one orphanage and I looked through the dank, dismal windows trying to get a feel for the place. They gave me a dirty look and the children there looked well-fed and impeccably behaved so there was no way a grungy kid like him would be accepted there, I reasoned. We walked across the desolate field and found another significantly worse orphanage. The entire area was enclosed with chain-link fence and felt like a no man's land to me. The door was a heavy unwelcoming steel and through the windows with exterior bars I could see children huddled up on broken and densely packed school desks. There was a strange engraving on the door from Fox News, it also outlined a foreboding message about those who come in never come out. There was no coming back and the children would learn how to behave, essentially. I instructed the kid to go in and I was briefly introduced to a man who said he would be in safe hands and I would never have to worry about the little rascal again. Though I knew I had to get him out at some point; otherwise, how would I have anything to report on? After a couple hours had passed with him inside I peered through the windows again at all the dishevelled shambling children but they saw me and got mad. A treacherous old lady with a horrifying face (not that it was deformed, just absolutely chilling). She ordered these two Russian kids to "deal with me," aka go beat the shit out of me, but with a little coaxing I got the stupider soft kid to start whining about how much he missed the communist regime and could run away to the other side of the yard, bruised and bleeding from the nose. I looked at the better orphanage again but everyone was sleeping, so I went to the most distant corner of the enclosed area and curled up in a little ball in the snow like a tired kitten and fell asleep there. It was awfully cold.

    Monday, November 21st, 2, 022

    A story revealed itself to me in a dream but for now it's hard to uncover. It was an elf wasting away on an island essentially, dying from the loneliness of it all, and a human wanted to be with them until they realized they would die long before the elf. They could not possibly make the elf happy. The human left carried by birds who latched their beaks into the human's shoulders, and later they had the birds explain to the elf with feathers and squawks.

    Saturday, November 19th, 2, 022

    Dream that I met a 2-3 year old named Beret at the park and I heard her in a metal before before [? Idk what I was trying to write] and we hung out there. She followed me around like a little baby-doll and I saw her there everytime and I tried to bring her to her mother once because I didn't think she would be safe being all alone. I asked her if her husband was in a band or played any instruments or something and she said no, definitely not. I was like well then you should be watching your kid when she goes outside and she said no, she's a free-range child. I watched her start to slowly draft an E-mail about me being a predator and laughing silently. She was the one who was neglecting her child! Beret was extremely smart and I could talk to her like she was my age. June 6th, end of school, I ran all the way home in a T-shirt and sweatpants rolled up to my knees. I remember sweat soaking through all of my clothes. My old English teacher (Emily) gave me a duck at the end of the year and told me I should be proud of the work I made. Its' eyelids could close. The other ducks were smaller but their heads could rotate, at least.

    Thursday, November 17th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that my grandma got a giant in-wall aqaurium and she filled it with all kinds of different fish, normal fish, goldfish, fucking everything. She just didn't care. Even got a huge ass araipaima because the tank rose a little above where you could see it and she would just let them all die and wouldn't care for them and you could literally see the very moment that they all died. One time Scarlett broke the tank and it fell all over the floor and I cried and begged just for the araipaima to be put back but my dad said that was useless because they could survive anything. Scarlett ran away I think or the other two probably killed her and I felt dull and lifeless at home. I cried and cried. Awesomeberry became very mean and Heather became scared of her. I had a Para that tried to force me to do work but I always evaded her and hated her and ignored her whenever it was time to do work. I would walk out of the room whenever she would entier, no matter what, and there was nothing she could do about it. Then it trails off into a narrative of me snowboarding on a difficult ski track without me realizing it, not taking the ski lines to be real. I got twisted up in the wire border (I don't think those really have those. . .) and just getting stuck there. I remember my grandma inviting me to a dinner in his massive cruise ship (he doesn't have one) and my family mocking me for playing Animal Jam as a kid.

    Monday, November 14th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that Julian (FTM girl I was friends with in middle school) messaged me on Discord and confessed her love for me and said that she desperately wanted to be with me. Scarlett was still alive and I would gingerly pick her up and put her on my desk. I almost pissed myself in an administrator's office at school because I had gotten confused and mistook it for a bathroom with my pants half pulled down and all. My CS teacher peeked inside because he thought I wasn't really going to the bathroom and he was right apparently. I walked out of there without a word and walked down the hall to the 2nd closest bathroom and my CS teacher started to have a fervent arm wrestle with the retarded kid in the center of the hall. He was guffawing and chortling and I think eventually that the downie lost. Julian told me later to savor all the time I would have with Scarlett and then went on to monologue about how obsessed she was with me and loved me and wanted to kiss me. She had made multiple animation memes using my figure and her account was full of furry art [this is canonical, she draws] and Gezebelle's new album was named Super Star Goo and she additionally told me that she lived in Wisconsin now. I was like don't we still go to the same school, you're in my environmental science class, yeah? She told me no, that her parents had abruptly divorced [her parents have been divorced for years] and she hadn't actually seen me in a long time. I felt I had seen her only yesterday. She told me once again to cherish Scarlett while she was still here and I held her in my arms and stroked her and kept her safe within me and hand-fed her dry catfood. Julian begged me to stay with her, even just to be her friend, but I really adored someone else. I didn't want to be with a balding, apparently incredibly lonely FTM anyways. I like girls and boys, I cannot love the transient in-between. She talked to me once from 6 AM to 7 AM, before school started. She thought I was a lesbian so she pleaded with me for me to accept her. I asked her though, aren't you a trans man? She quickly insisted no, that she wasn't, that she would happily be anything for me. I told her I didn't want to date someone who was balding in such a pathetic way. Really it was just an excuse; I had a premonition that she could easily destroy me. Again she told me she wasn't and pleaded with me. . .

    Sunday, November 13th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that Samuel was a puppy and I cut her nails.

    Saturday, November 12th, 2, 022

    Weird fractioned dream that I would rather not remember. Samuel told me that her girlfriend wanted her to watch CP and I was like ? Okay I guess. . . But in the end it was just loli and then she got invented to a lolicon convention (like where they sell doujins) and wore a fedora and everyone thought she was weird. . .

    Friday, November 11th, 2, 022

    I did not remember it initially, but eventually remembered a small portion. Samuel got a D and some B's in school and I was like huh!!! what the hell!!!

    Thursday, November 10th, 2, 022

    Vague dream with Samuel's cat in it, Albert, or otherwise my step-dad's sister's cats. They're so silky smooth lovely.

    Saturday, November 5th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that I went to a fancy store and I was just going to look around but there was a lot of stuff that I actually really wanted to buy. The floor was polished oak boards. There were celestial Greek dresses that rich white wine moms were trying on. They were 80 dollars. One was a green-teal color with purple sequins and the woman said she was going to make it her wedding dress. Fat chance. I tried to try one on too, but the one I chose was a size 2 so it didn't fit. Then I tried on a size 4 or 6 and wore it around the store, feeling like a princess. I was just trolling people. There was this shark plushie that I really wanted, it had a tag attached to him saying he was never supposed to be given away, and I wanted to return him back to the owner and if I couldn't, I would keep him safe with me, forever. I wanted to steal so much shit but I didn't have any money. There was this gay fucking retard shop-worker who was always trying to harass me and insult me snidely for being poor. I wanted to steal all his shit! I started going into discreet little corners and trying on rings, ripping off QR codes and then putting my sleeves over my hands to hide them. They were expensive too. Fuck you. One was a ring with a movable lily-of-the-valley part and it was really lovely. Sifting through buckets of shitty jewelry and crystals. Sucked.

    Tuesday, November 2nd, 2, 022

    Vaguely dreamt about being fired from school for refusing to take estrogen. I don't remember much except feeling extremely agitated.

    Monday, November 1st, 2, 022

    I had a dream that I was all alone in a huge mall clothing store and I wanted to steal some clothes, so I just wandered around there for hours scared of cameras and unable to make a decision after 14 hours. I wanted to rifle through bargain bins of shitty bikinis. Then the corpulent lady employees came back in and they called for security. I kicked and screamed and tried to wrangle myself out of their grasp as they tangled me alone. We passed a small glittering pyramid in the middle on a glass floor that was apparently the smallest museum in the world, I wanted to go inside but the middle was already dead. I kicked one of the security men in the balls and tried to run away. Probably that I had pimps. Glagol, one in 14 million, pink splotches among NPC faces. That's what my brain looks like.

    Sunday, October 30th, 2, 022

    I cannot remember my dream but I remember waking up in the middle of the night or early morning and havng to close my bedroom door because it was wide open. It doesn't help that I was sleeping naked.

    Friday, October 28th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that the Jews were irradiating womens' wombs. When you tried to take a picture of a women it would show that cluster of white dots that you see with highly radioactive objects around her pelvis. I accidentally opened up xvideos when trying to open catbox to upload this photo to demonstrate! What the fuck is wrong with me!

    Tuesday, October 25th, 2, 022

    I had a dream about the fieldtrip I went on with my computer science class today. We were all being ushered into an empty, echoing school that quickly turned into an expansive Wal-Mart. He told us that we could have anything we could fit in our backpacks for free. There was the fitness and meat aisles at first. I took a 45-lb dumbbell and a cut of Wagyu steak that weighed about as much the dumbbell. They were not for me, they were gifts for my dad, apparently. There were boys who were chucking stuff into their backpacks. I accused one boy of stealing my steak when I did not see it there (curly-haired blonde boy, I saw him by the conference. He's as meek as me a lot of the times), but then I saw my steak over on the table and apologized to him. He said it was no big deal and waved me off. I wanted to get some pretty dresses or something but the administrator had already waived off all the charges we accrued, so anything more would count as stealing if I wasn't sneaky. I was in the clothing section and the Indian girls from the field trip (and some not, because I thought they were going) were near. I was staring at some dresses from Diwali (it was a whole aisle, I don't know if that's an actual thing). They looked so pretty. The corpulent Wal-Mart employee who looked like that HR rectruiter lady from BlackBerry told me not to touch the dresses because they were essentially sacred and too pretty for me. I angrily said that I had never touched them, I was just looking, and I walked away. I went home, not knowing what else to take. I had to walk home from the school, that was the deal. I was going the wrong way at first until I realized the other way was where my mom dropped me off. I was walking weird holding onto my backpack straps. The weight felt light to me now, really too light. I walked with my back hunched over and somehow got home eventually. My house is like 5 miles away. I opened up my backpack and saw that the Wagyu steak had leaked blood everywhere, and the dumbbell had split in a sharp piece, revealing the wretched innards of it, and it was filled with an almond-colored fluid that seemed about as thick as honey. I didn't really know what to do or how to explain it to my parents.

    Saturday, October 22nd, 2,0 22

    Dream about all the science morphing into something new, physics and aviation. It was a very annoying thing to adjust to. Glass buildings flooded with sun. Judith Goldfinch said "if you go now [flying a plane], you'll only be sleeping for 15 minutes." Implying that I would crash soon after I began because the whole world is upside down.

    Tuesday, October 18th, 2, 022

    I had a dream that I killed my sister in a very tormenting, pyschological torture type of way. At the end of it my sister began to agree with me and started blankly nodding her head and told me that she doesn't care anymore, and that I can do anything I want with her. Then I went back to sleep and the dream continued. I held her in dead locks, choked her, told her that she would never be a real boy (that's true), would never go to college, and a bunch of other horrific stuff that I don't remember. I stole her Beanie Babies and pens and money and kicked her in the stomach over and over. I ripped her drawings into small pieces and tore her nails clean off, publicly embarrassed her in ways I don't remember. I also molested her, I think? Roughly groping at her crotch, obviously not out of sexual enjoyment of my own, just to inflict misery on her and dominate her. I always wanted to snap her thin, fragile bones. Winning games I told her she would like over Thanksgiving break, contestant. When I did this she was constantly sobbing and wailing with nothing but her online friends to turn to. I smashed her phone and computer to pieces so she couldn't anymore. I hated to see her alone, outside of my torture. By the end of it I just made her a husk, curled up dejectedly in her bed. I always scoffed at her therapy efforts and derided her, and like gradually the bullying grew worse so she could acclimate to it and develop a worse self-esteem so that she wouldn't fight back against it. I don't remember her actually dying, but perhaps she did. Selling a house with one gigantic master bedroom, an impenetrable internet connection with a clean plugboard. I can feel the plainness now, like another person lying right next to me. . .

    Monday, October 17th, 2, 022

    Vague dream about going to Goodwill, very vague my mother was going to kill me after I think, fuzzy Nike backpack with childish art supplies and a full laptop inside. That was the one I wanted my mom to get me, and I loved to look at everything, but I didn't have the guts to ask for more.

    Sunday, October 16th, 2, 022

    Dream that I had to start going to a lot of therapy for trying to kill my little sister because it was 4 AM and I was so tired. Dream that Postal moved to a little southern forest town and a man there was a serial killer and everyone was moving away. The serial killer had given a gigantic diamond brooch and other things to a friend of him that lived in a comfy little cabin. Everyone avoided that guy as well now, but Postal still decided to stay (and interact with him, presumably). Then I remember the dream shifting and I'm in a Wal-Mart, looking through the discount section with my dad nearby, and it was mostly photograph frames and paintings and notebooks and cards. They were all drawn in, seemed like very personal things that had been just returned and not checked for damage or something. Like baby photos, a memorial painting with angel wings of a miscarriage, etc. One that caught my eye was a notebook with a young girl's kind of love letter with curly doodling, and I thought that it was cute. Then I raped my sister (the trans one) with a paper tape measurer and tied her up with a portion of it. She was a lot younger in this dream, I guess like 7-8, chibi. Kind of weird.

    Wednesday, October 12h, 2, 022

    Vague dream that I went to an AirBNB for thanksgiving, everything was Polish, Luna was there. We went to a museum that was really just a cluster of old houses in a village, with old expensively ornate furniture everywhere, half water-rotted. The drawers and such had new clothes in them and I felt tempted to take them, but I was not allowed to steal. I also remember my room being full of empty family-size chip bags, and I was trying to stuff them into the crevices between my mattress and the wall, thinking that nobody would see them if I did that.

    Monday, October 10th, 2, 022

    Vague dream that I drank acid dirt water from my mother's plant. It tasted fetid. Vividly remember the taste. I think I keep playing off my dreams as just wild stories I make up and so I'm not really bothering to remember them as often.

    Saturday, October 8th, 2, 022

    Dream I got a lot of Italian people into jail and they would be hanged if I didn't say they were my friends. Fortune kitty machine, like maneki-neko, with 400,001 coins in Venice. One man told me the secret to the machine, to claim all the coins.

    Thursday, October 6th, 2, 022

    Dream that Scarlett came back to me. . . so, so, so, so, so happy. . . She would scamper down the rock-stairs of my backyard so energetically, racing down to meet me, and I'd envelop her in my love. It was October the 26th. I thought she was dead, you know, I still had her velvet bag full of ashes and bone fragments on my desk. I take it with me so I'm not alone when I shower, and then I put it back there, safe and sound. I held her in my arms and she was allowed to roam the outside freely, I guess my family would think I was insane if I showed her resurrection to them. Worrying about her all the time when she's gone, the neighbors have a distate for her, I think. Something about the trampoline, she was almost killed again. All that worrying just for her to come back as vibrant and lovable as always, my darling. Darlking. KNock stuff off my grandma's windowsill like a good girl. I don't care if she hates you. Remember eating pork wontons in the dark watching some grim horror movie with my family. Why would I do that? She cuddles up next to me. The dog got onto the roof again and the cleaner man saw me naked. Who cares? I was only waiting for my girl to return. Everyone kept telling me that she would die again, but I knew that she wouldn't. They were just trying to terrorize me. She would be mine forever, mine eternally, still is even if she's dead. Fat sister had plastic chocolate granules melting down her legs. Going to BOy Scouts, she is, I guess. I had a dream that I actually wanted to get school lunch because I saw Null do it and I was really hungry, but I was too scared to do it durin gthe first lunch period. I took off my shirt because I was tired of wearing it, figuring nobody would notice if I crossed my arms over my chest, you know like as if I was wearing a bra top. Of course people noticed, but at least nobody said anything. I was going to order lunch there, but I didn't know my lunch number, and I figured it would probably just be easier to steal something instead. I was in the lunch line, but I chickened out, and I took a freezy pop and slinked out of the way, basically a game of limbo with the metal railing. I wander down through the ever expanding hallways and eventually I make it into the third lunch room wondering if there's even any money in my lunch account. Ask the corpulent lunch lady if she can check it, she say's she can. There's a mostly bald man behind her, tall and gaunt, with a criss-cross of clinging hair to his scalp. He intimidates me. I get the lunch code number wrong several times, each time displaying on a large TV behind her, until I finally get the code right, it's 4834. Pictures I had taken of myself show up on the iPad, kind of horrifying, but atleast it's not any of my nudes and neither of them mention it. Thought it was super creepy, I had never seen it before. She say's I have 6 months worth of money for standard lunches. Gnawing on a frozen mozzarella stick, or probably the freezy pop from earlier. I was about to get a lunch and I saw that it was 1:22 PM, two minutes before the lunch period ends. I give up on my dream of being a typical schoolgirl and I said, ooops, sorry, see you tommorow. I never tried to get a lunch again, because why would i? Cardboard trays with shabby food, that's what I remember. I love Null's smile.

    Monday, October 3rd, 2, 022

    Dream that I said "7 (something)" glass high-rise apartment building. I don't follow the rules, portrait of Jesus looking back at me, doing all the business that they don't want me to do. I talk little and leave out of a lot of information. Drives them crazy. Tight zipped dress with a sheer back. Exasperated, rebellious business. Empty useless eating pepperoni pizza, my website is on the family computer, horrified and try to discreetly delete the history and immediately take down my website and move it to another domain. I don't remember much else but it was a significant drea mand it was pretty terrifying.

    Sunday, October 2nd, 2, 022 (?)

    Had a dream where I was constantly accused of licking this guy's feet and cock everywhere at school and almost got raped by a bunch of Somalians who hijacked my mother's car. They are vicious. Terrified. Sticking to the car like imps, coming up to my house, stalking me in cars from far away, everywhere, scary, everyone was saying this about everyone else but apparently they made it up. Everyone in shambles, went to the aquarium in Boston with Zuxie. It felt more like NYC to me. The sea animals were not real, they were mechanized. I don't know why my but my evironmental science teacher was there, he's a large, responsible-looking black man with an aquiline nose, we had a class there, fancy apartment. He showed me onto the roof of the school, and there was a bunny there that I pointed out before we ventured out further onto the roof. Foxes and birds and rats and chickens are atop and climbing between the chicken wire roof. I told him I used to climb onto the roof when I was a child to feed the chickens. Dogs targeted, only allowed to exist if they are small, if big they must be sufficiently hilarious. It's so loud. Beeping. I was thrown into the water, my backpack was thrown into water with my computer in it by accident because I didn't know it was in there and I was changing into a swimsuit just a glance away from the leers of other people.

    Saturday, October 1st, 2,022

    Considering drinking a lot of the alcohol my mom leaves on the garage floor, maybe "vodkaritas" or hard seltzer. I figure she would think she misplaced them, and I decide to half-heartedly cover up the difference with a pack of colored pencils. Devouring the muffin tops off of months-old muffins that are said to only be purchased for storage space at some grocery store. Feeling ravenous, empty, shameful. I see my mom coming in her car through the garage and I turn to go into the house, she gets out and tells me, "well I'm glad someone made use of them." Her and her boyfriend have been drunkards for a while now, I think. I had a dream I lost a tooth, the weird misshapen one that sits on the left of my jaw, crammed in between some better ones. I thought it was the top tooth that would fall out, because I kept grinding it against the other tooth and I heard the sound of enamel crunching. There was a bit of blood left in the abcess of the tooth, blood all over the thing too, in shambles, broken into pieces. Cracked. I tried to tell my family about it but they didn't care at all and told me it wasn't a big deal. When I woke up I had to check that it was still there, and I felt relief. I'm not actually sure if I checked that when I woke up inside another dream, or if it was really real life. Nigerian business trip and conversation with my mother and siblings around Christmas time I had a dream that I went to a grocery store and we were also going Christmas shopping and I was somehow naked, like I lost my shirt in the store, and so I was just wearing my coat over it and begging for a shirt. At points I believe I was totally naked. My sister wants me to wear a tulle peach bra top to her step-mother's wedding or something, and I wanted to get an actual shirt. The shirts were all $11. Then I went and looked at the Lego's, called Brick Blast or something in the story, there was an Arabic style set for $38 that I wanted to get for Christmas. Then we wandered off again, into the food section, and I got lost somehow, and now I'm outside by a bunch of fast food restaurants. KFC, "Faustino", and one other that I don't remember. They're talking about how they can turn the elections in their favor or something. It's dark and I'm terrified, it's in the ghetto kind of area. I call Swan to pick me up while pacing around the stores, naked except for my jacket, waiting to get a signal. He's asleep, but he wakes up, and I'm hysterical telling him that I am lost. He goes to pick me up and apparently my economics teacher works at the KFC and waves to me when we drive past. I don't know. I love Swan. Ultimate comfort.

    Tuesday, September 27th, 2, 022

    Dreams feel real. I thought I woke up in a dream, it keeps happening. Dramatic affair with a man named Damien Mores who is satanic and I don't like him very much.

    Sunday, September 25th, 2, 022

    German class stuffed into a random classroom, half sit outside, it's like a computer lab. Can't find my iPad, feel terrified for some reason. I tell my sister I have no appetite for anything, I don't care how spectacular whatever the fuck it is and I tell her so. I'm not paying for it. A gaunt black man in a red-orange convertible has been sitting in his car for two days now, half wedged inside our garage. He tries to be inconspicuous. He is not, to me. He's here during the day, then gone at night. I feel afraid to go outside when he is here, and try peeking around the corner or in the garage to try and see if he was there. I can see the bullet holes in my mom's vans next to us and the dried blood on his seat. I talk to people on Discord and they say had his car "oiwerwasehd" (this is what I wrote, I don't know what I meant. Maybe powerwashed?) I feel terrified at this point. Luna gets onto the roof, somehow, trying to avoid him. I think that the car goes away for a while. I'm begging my dad over the phone to come over and help me, to take me away from this place. He got himself lost on the Taggart line. He keeps evading my pleas. The neighbors seem uneasy, and I wish I could call for help, but I know that I am powerless. I get Burger King for some reason, my dad takes me and he leaves me in his car in the garage. He's gone. But I look to my right and see the gaunt black man and another black man talking, while he's also talking on the phone. His pants are sagged low. I sink down into my seat to try to hide but I feel like it's useless, because I already see him look back at me briefly. He ushers the rest of my siblings and my bald uncle into the car, with Wendy's drinks in tow. I want to scream. Scarlett is dead on the lawn, my darling. I felt so scared and the dream ends when he is driving us away. I break into gasping sobs and he tells me to shut up. The rest of my family says nothing, they just have a grim look on their face.

    Saturday, September 24th, 2,022

    I had a dream when we went to Subway in East Island and my mom had to go get a job in East Machias, Maine. My grandma said when she went to Cuba, they wanted to watch her go to the bathroom because they didn't want her to throw herself overboard. The lady at the Subway was super nice and she made me a weird sub with yogurt, Israeli sauce, and kept talking about "andonia," and it was something about eggs. She went back to go ask a black female co-worker, but she just made out with her instead. There were a lot of drawings on the wall instead of ingredients, so it was hard to decide.

    Thursday, September 22nd, 2,022

    Dream my mom stole a woman's Target shopping order and then her little daughter came and my sister felt bad and gave her lavender nail polish and played Dragon Force for her on a toy piano for her, and Scarlett was there at the end, and I felt so annoyed by her.

    Monday, September 19th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I was on the verge of a rat infestation. I saw a mouse, freaked out, tried to kill it. I devised a shitty trap that was a pinata white rat and a balloon weight and some food in a plastic bag. Then, I tried to suffocate them in it. I was getting so panicked, the mice and rats kept coming, I felt like I needed someone else to help me with the mice so I considered asking my mom's boyfriend or my dad."Theological need," I was on my laptop and it was at 2% and I was chatting to people online about the situation. The mice kept escaping me and I was too afraid to crush them to death with my hand.

    Sunday, September 18th, 2,022

    Fat, large weenie dog on a leash. I bend down to pet him and let him lick chocolate off of my hand. His mom traced designs into his skin with her tongue. Bordering on sexual abuse, but not quite. I was taken to an autism screening boarding house place and they encouraged such things as "ravishing the cock with my eyes," I don't remember much, but I remember looking in the mirror, at myself from behind, and staring at my broad shoulders and horrible figure and wondering how anyone could ever take me seriously. Lisa was there, somehow, and she scratched the fuck out of me when I didn't listen to her. Something about my mom and web design.

    Saturday, September 17th, 2,022

    It was the matrix, or something, a story somewhat related to the matrix. It has miniatures and stuff like Warhammer. I was very heavily into them and kept trying to get people to like it and bought many figurines and showed the movie in class for my film analysis of whatever. My English teacher was gone for most of the hour so it just played for the entire time. She asked me later what my favorite animal was and I said it was a polar bear. I had a dream that I went to Wal-Mart and Lisa was there and I also saw my sister there in the "alternative clothing section." You know, like Hot Topic. I feel embarrassed. I was looking at dresses from Aeropostale to come back later with my mom 'cause I'm a sucker for things like that. . .Kyra was there too and I wandered away from her. All of a sudden, there was an alarm in the store, saying that "there was a deformed lost baby in the store, and to not be panicked, but we are shutting down the store immediately." Thankfully we were close to the exit and so we ran towards it, they kept telling us to go back into the store, but we refused. We waited in the parking lot and we saw a car with a deformed baby and a bunch of young teenage girls in it and we banged on the back of it to try to get anyone's attention, but it was futile. There were schoolbuses taking people away and stuff, and they kept running over people's toes and going on the grass and stuff and I was terrified. And there were so mean, so I picked up a heavy copper chain from one of the unhooked cars and put it into my backpack, then ran across the street as I wanted to get as far from the Wal-Mart as possible. They were shouting over the intercom now that there was a Duck Dynasty (or something) bomb that would go off in the store in 40 minutes, but a lot of people were still trapped inside and they wouldn't let them out. I gesture at Lisa to come along and we run, and run, and run. By night we're in hiding and we devise a plan to break into a rich person's house, just so we can get some sleep, and we're with some ditz who is delighted about her high ponytail and she keeps shutting doors too loudly. We sketch on notebook paper the drawing of a walkie-talkie and write out all of our conversation there, because we're worried their security is so good that they will hear us. This kid said he needed a ride home, so I offed for me and my mom to take him, but his house is actually 30 minutes away, not 10 minutes away like he told me. He gets into his swim trunks that he left on the side of this sandy basin, and jumps into where there is an aggressive ungulate that looks like a pale tiger. I jump in after him, out of posterity. There are rings littering all over the bottom and sides of the sandy basin, so I'm trying to collect all the ones I like, while he throws them at the tiger horse to try and fend him off. Mom gets fed up with me and tells me that it's time to go home. He gets out and then goes into a pool and I can hear his inner monologue, a bad impression of Humbert Humbert. "My Lolita, Loh-Lee-Taaa," etc, etc. Maybe he was talking about me. He went over to the side of the pool to peer over at some children. I left and went home with a bunch more rings in my backpack and felt wholly satisifed. Feeling with my toes, and diving underwater too. I loved the rings so much I considered coming back with an underwater metal detector so I could find him easier. I remember an circle opal ring lined with tiny pearls, and it was so pretty, even though I usually find such cluster rings gaudy.

    Tuesday, September 13th, 2,022

    Vague zombie apocalypse dream, starving frogs flanking the windows and the doors, they ooze goop, I'm not supposed to let them in. I wonder if they'll ever be too little food that we have to eat them, but when we get to that point all of the frogs would have been long dead and rotted. The sun will rise, but it's covered in ash. A dog with a golden, oversized nail, black fur, and a white spotted snout shows up at th eporch. He's apparently 30 years old and we're not allowed to let him in. SLeeping in the car waiting for my grandma, she never comes out, she's sleeping on the floor in the house. Eating three cookies and my mother disowning me, says I eat too much. THe Burger King bag is in the corner where you draw the ends of the loop-de-loops, no you can't sit there, the school hasn't made regulations on this yet. Who cares? Being violent with my mother. Why even go to school anyways? The world is falling apart, taking pictures of people, using hair as brains. He is the mastermind behind this, apparently. Nobody likes him, but I'm fine with him. He's basically a collage artist.

    Friday, September 9th, 2,022

    I did not dream today, but I'm listening to these lucid dream meditation/hypnosis videos and they seem to have the inverse effect. One strange thing, though, is that I went to sleep with my shirt merely pulled up and when I awoke I was naked from the waist up. I guess I must've woken up at some point and taken it off and forgot about it.

    Thursday, September 8th, 2,022

    I was at the Mall of America. A tall Polish lady with hanging underarms had a dessert stand that had massive desserts. Something about an Oreo donut and a vanilla birthday cupcake, except it was really vanilly. Then we went to Dairy Queen and thought like, damn the Polish lady is way cheaper, and for less money too. DQ had a chocolate-frosted long john that was $3.66. Then I begged for my dad to get me an orca beanie baby that had a Barbie riding on top of him, it was like $10, and he was like haven't I given you enough already. I even took the Barbie off of the orca so that it would be cheaper.

    Wednesday, September 7th, 2,022

    We brought Scarlett to a cat cafe because we couldn't pay for her medical bills. I begged to take her back when I figured she only had a couple weeks to live, but they were hesitant and told me that they probably couldn't do it. So all I could do was visit her there, and I went with my family. Scarlett wouldn't go near me, she was at another table rubbing against their leg. She looked frail and thin, probably how she looked in the final weeks before her death, where I didn't really realize how unwell she was looking. Cry cry cry. Extremely distressing.

    Tuesday, September 6th, 2,022

    Vague dream about painting my nails, red nail polish, but having no clear coat. Something about a 1 inch penis. "Heidi as an object" Climbing up the glass stairs with curved railings, not wearing a bra, people see my chest and I get embarrassed, and there is a music class that is trying to teach us stuff but it does nothing. Just rambunctious children, stupid jock with his boner cock out. I remember Maddy (childhood friend) there.

    Monday, September 4th, 2,022

    Vague dream involving purple bridesmaid dresses and me having a spinal cord injury.

    Sunday, September 3rd, 2,022

    Dreamt that I got really, really lost on my way to school. All the hallways, I just kept looking around, I could never find the classroom I was trying to go to. It was my first day of school, and I was looking at the school website for my schedule, but it had turned into an anime shit-post website and the domain had changed. All the hallways expanded into nonsensical stores and winding hallways full of nothing and dissapointments. No idea where my classroom is, so just roaming the halls for hours, hoping that nobody notices how lost I am and how much of school I am missing. I tell myself I'll just find my place the next day, but I doubt my ability to do so. There were skinny, gray glittery greyhound sculptures made by 3-D printing, they were for this weird sport in a hallway, somewhat like volleyball and rugby combined. Just jumping over these nets, butt naked, and they used the sculptures to track their athleticism. I took one of the greyhound statues and fumbled all over the nets, just trying to get somewhere. I could never find it and I felt so lost and defeated. When I first arrived to school, the lady told me I had entered through the wrong entrance and told me to wait there for a while until she found someone. I was waiting there for like 15 minutes and I finally got tired of it, so I just said fuck it and ran off when I saw more people filing in. Fuck that stupid bureaucratic lady. Vague dream involving my mother but I let it melt away because it wasn't pleasant.

    Friday, September 2nd, 2,022

    There was this homicide case a lady I was living with was trying to solve. She was a beautiful old lady and I really looked up to her for some reason, she was like Margaret Mead or Jane Goodall, but she was gorgeous even in her old age, and she had an inquistive, very intelligent look about her. She had a smart nose and wore her gray hair in a bun, wore a silk robe. I had a bunch of Nerds (the small pellet-like candy) in my skirt, my skirt was more like a skort with bloomers, and I lifted my skirt up and dumped all of the Nerds onto the concrete-carpeted floor type thing. I began to pick them up and put them on a plywood table, I needed 100 Nerd candies and in total, I only had 83. I was trying to descramble the message hidden on the Nerds, but then I remember being distracted, and an infinite amount of time had passed and the old lady I knew had already died. I rememeber looking through her big clear plastic organizers of clothes in her wardrobe, looking for cute skirts I could wear. I really want skirts, I guess. Then I was at school, I think like an expansive university campus, I was watching hentai at my desk, maybe schlicking off I dunno, and then I remember that I joined the video-gaming club which was just a bunch of sweaty geeks. I don't know why I would've joined that, I don't play that many games. And then I was in a hotel room with all my family, but I think it was still within the college campus, and they made a huge mess and they took the Nerds candy message I was decoding from the table and they ate them and scattered them everywhere, and loaded them into Nerf airsoft guns and shot them at eachother. I was so annoyed with them and I was like, "FINE stay dead you stupid fucking dead aunt. I didn't care about you anyways." And I gave up on researching the case, even though I was so close to finding the answer. There was a fat, bulky guy (like he towered over me) with curly hair that was in the video-gaming club, we had desk set-ups side by side and he wanted to teach me more about using computers. He wanted me to play this game that was like a version of Osu, except it was like a fireplace and I had to move my body back and forth to catch the notes. I was like nah, this is boring and confusing, I want to play the real Osu, and so I put some beef tartare that was in a shallow glass bowl into the microwave that was connected to the computer, and I heated it up for a minute. I heard a lot of sparking, and the screen glitched out. He was like, what the fuck, why did you think that would work, and I said, that's how I remember setting it up the last time. He sighed and said fine, fixed it all, he really liked me and was like an orbiter or something. He wanted to date me. He made me a Minecraft world with pink cotton candy sheep and other mods that he thought I would like, it was a server and so my whole family and a bunch of other people were there too. It had pre-generated structures and blueprints strewn around the world, so we claimed this spruce house base and these two other people wanted to stay there too, atleast as a temporary base. And he told them 'Okay, soon, you're going to want to move out, because this is for me and my WIFE." I told him like no, I'm not your wife, I don't want to be with you. My baby brother made fun of my red dress. It was short, way above my knees, made out of a red satin, tightly cinched and rouched. It's weird because I would never wear anything like that. He was literally an infant, but somehow he could talk and he mocked me. I was so upset that I went outside with a dull kitchen knife in the middle of February, my backyard covered in virgin snow and so expansive that I couldn't see the end of it. It was sparsely forested and I knew that deer lived there. I killed a brown deer, a white deer, and then a red deer (also known as an Asian deer). I massacred them, it was very messy and they were hard to kill and put up a lot of fight. I was covered in blood, but it didn't matter that much because my dress was red, anyways. Everyone was begging me not to kill them, even bargaining with me as I played with their bones, but I didn't listen to any of them, just lost voices in the wind. The red deer was actually over the fence on my neighbor's property, but I jumped the fence and killed her anyway. They were all does, and she was just on the outskirts. Then I felt like I was going insane, so I figured tha I should go to school today and gauge their opinion of me before I decided to shoot them up the next day. I was still wearing the bloody red dress and I was trying to get to gym class, I saw my baby brother in the hallway in one of those baby jumpers. I begged him for his forgiveness and I kissed his bald, soft head. Then I ran off again and my mom texted me asking, what the fuck is wrong with you, and she said she was proud of me for killing the deer, but feared that I was going insane.

    Thursday, September 1st, 2,022

    I had a dream that it was Halloween night and I didn't want to go trick-or-treating. They were all urging me, even my grandpa, to put on a costume of any sort and to go out. I said no and retreated back into my room, my old dungeon room of my old house, the one with the canvas walls, exposed foundation, ripped out itchy pink fiberglass. I lay there in my bed and stared at the ceiling until I ripped it out with my mind, staring at the sky listless for hours. Then I remember when they were all going home, around midnight, my mom and one of my younger sisters came through the door and told me that someone was knocking at the back door. I had heard it before, I told her that I'm not going to fucking answer that because I was paranoid. She tells me that I should, and again, I tell her no. My mom goes to answer it, and she comes back trembling, and I'm already going upstairs to hide in the bathroom. There's like a crawlspace door that I could crawl into and be safe and secure. My mom yells at me to hang on and don't get scared until she finishes solving this cypher. It wasn't like a caesar cypher, it had something to do with vowels and metaphors. Ultimately I think the cypher said, "I'm going to kill you." Generic, but it obviously wasn't meant to be killing in the traditional way. Moreso breaking us down, turning me into dirt and rubble and chiffon. Something like that. I locked the door and turned off the lights in the bathroom, hiding in there, and then I remember suddenly being someplace else and I'm with a group of fantasy creature people. Some anthropomorphic. Something something simulcra, maybe poltergeist. I don't remember the word for it but there was this rotted meat chunks with a sweet flavor that I was hypnotized into giving my collegues, despite being cognizant of it. They were all huddled into this blunt cliffside escape, trying to escape them. In the corner I hugged them, outstretching my arms around them and trying to comfort them. One had a sharp fox face, a body like a thin Mewtwo and fluffy fur, a Grecian cape and he was supposedly a medic. One was my old cat Awesomeberry. Another was a stone person with an empty skull, old man, kept bumping into the cliffside wall because he was blind and you could hear clanging and chimes inside of his head. I was roughly prying their mouths open and force-feeding them the offal, and their pupils would glow red or orange or yellow, their pupils would turn white, and the whole of their eye would glaze over and lose its liveliness. They'd slump against the stone wall, pliable, and their soul was still inside of them but it was hidden away and guarded with a ferocity that I cannot understand. One of them said to me, why don't you feed it to someone else instead of sabotaging all of us? You're going to kill us all, it basically turns them into zombies. So I ran out of the cave, and then I was in a gloomy, torn-down house, it reminded me of somewhere I had been before. I think it was my step-dad's sister's ghetto house that I went to for a halloween party once as a child. There were 'femicide penises' and stone mask visages on a ragged magenta runner carpet in a hallway. I threw the vile meat mixture at them, but it wasn't really working. It aggravated them, though. It was quite an elaborate dream, with an unexplainable amount of lore and intricacy that I cannot remember properly to explain, and that I regret very much for not being able to do so. The meat was like a parasite or something, some of the sort of that parasite that infects a snail's attenaes and pulsates colorfully, saying, 'come eat me, predators.'

    Wednesday, August 31st, 2,022

    I lost Scarlett in my dream, and I don't remember how, and it's pretty distressing. I also lost my little brother, he was braindead or something from a car accident, something to do with cherries. It was August 11th or August 9th. Was working on my website, I thought a cherry pit killed him...maybe he choked on it?

    Monday, August 29th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I was in an African empire, something vaguely Egyptian. Scarlett died and I made a speech (I was white) about how I thought Scarlett would've liked to be remembered and what she would've liked to be called, and stuff like that. She basically died the way she died last time, and now she has suffered two deaths. My sister was telling me, "she would'nt have liked to be called all that, she would've liked to be called by her name," because I was claiming that she wanted to be called this esoteric stuff, these sandstone tiles with gaps and hopes and syllables. I heard Scarlett's voice in my head and she said, "my name is Scarlett," and I believed her, naturally. My dad agreed with my sister. I don't remember exactly how this happened, but a bunch of African woman and me got crammed into a glorified school gymnnasium, and they were all mad at me for idolizing Scarlett. People were getting the shit beat out of them for no reason and if you tried to escape out of the doors you would get crushed to death, even as more people died and the crowd "thinned out," so to speak. I remember scurrying around and trying to huddle against all the scared African women, mixed with a couple of white people, and I thought that they would target me because I was white. Like other black women kept dragging them to the center of the gymnasium, and basically massacring them, kicking their brains in and making a mess of them. I was terrified. I tried to escape once, and almost suffocated to death, so I went back into the huddle. They took my sister to the middle though, and they killed her. No mercy, eh? Also, there's mystery Scarlett pictures on my phone. I took these pictures before, but they showed up in my Discord image gallery when I was sleeping...maybe she's trying to talk to me?

    August 28th, 2,022

    I don't know if I dreamed this or not. Thunder storm or something. Tornado warning, just lying on my back looking out the window, I feel no fear this time, even though I was terrified last time. My grandma woke me up by yelling at me and told me that she got me an impossible whopper or something, but I didn't feel like eating. I just wanted to go back to sleep. The tornado can swallow me whole and I won't complain, I truly would'nt complain. My stomach feels full of static, I roll over, and listen to the storm as it ebbs away. I remember those brats opening my door once and that they put the food on my desk, and I felt it to see if it was still hot, and it wasn't, so I went back to sleep. . . I really don't know if I imagined that all or not.

    August 27th, 2,022

    I had a dream that my mom had a black boyfriend and he was punching holes in my window, literally shattering the glass, and screaming "I'm gonna rape you," and I got so scared that I scrambled to run out of my house. And I just kept running, and running, and when I came back my mom laughed at me and told me I was stupid for believing that he would actually rape me. Also, Scarlett was there, and I was holding her in my arms crying when I was talking to Gezebelle Gaburgably when she was writing stupid things at a booth, kind of like autographs. Khalon showed me the secrets to the universe, like how the sky would pulse with unnatural alien frequencies, and if you focused on them really hard, all his alien friends would file out of the sky, and my grandma was there too. The alien people were all super friendly and someone kept stealing the orange and yellow flowers, but only those ones, and it turned out to be the aliens too. My phone battery was at 19% and I figured that when I "respawned" in my room again, that I should take Scarlett with me and run away from them forever, even if it meant being homeless. I couldn't deal with how they were treating me. The alien people hid in the closets, and attic, and under the beds, and were stuffed, compressed into tiny glowing balls and when they went back into their alien form they were mostly normal looking. Long, sleek, raven-black hair and midnight-blue skin with white freckles and aquiline noses. Gaunt, they glowed slightly.

    August 26th, 2,022

    Vague dream I installed Windows XP.

    August 24th, 2,022

    I had a dream that we were at a fireworks show. I was piggy-back riding on my grandma's shoulders as she rode through the streets on a bike. Lightning fast, I could feel all the wind against me. I remember in the car, my sister had somehow got herself half-covered in these plastic hula hoops, and they were constricting her like a boa, coiling around her and suffocating her. She was panicking and I was like, why did you do that in the first place. "The only way we're gonna be able to get this off is with a saw, because I don't feel like messing with those 'programs' ." She panicked more and started to sob, further constricting her lungs. I remembered my little brother, too, and he had a hula hoop held tightly at the middle of his abdomen. My grandma told me that to cut it off, I would first have to choke him with a cut-open bike tire, like tying the rubber around his neck and pulling it tight. Tie it around a few times, cut the hula hoop off, and then I can untie the bike tire rubber. But I saw his face turn blue within 10 seconds of choking him, and I couldn't do it and cried out and untired it. My grandma said that it's okay, young children are resilient to choking, they just turn blue fast. Then I remember, being in a flooded ghetto room. I was in a call with a therapist my mom had forced me to be with. But they were trying to trick me into thinking that it wasn't a therapist, that they were'nt trying to pry open my sick mind. We were plaing Animal Jam and at one point, I got completely distracted from the game and ignored her completely, shutting my computer down. She was kind of the fat cat mom type, the type that has a stone-cold, soulless smile when you tell them how crazy you are. Red lipstick and I thought, oh I really want to tell her how much I hate her face. It was a very sneaky way of doing things, and she asked me very sneaky esoteric questions to try and determine my mental health. I knew what she was doing and I gave her non-answers. I have trouble remembering what those questions are now, I just know that they were insidious, that they were just trying to harm me. Her name was Emma I think, which was the name of my last therapist (no it wasn't, why did I write that, her name was Ashley). It got so chaotic in that call, yeah, I just had to leave for something important, but don't remember exactly what. I was probably busy with that hula hoop business at the time, or was just completely out of it. I felt completely out of it, anyways. I remember that Scarlett was there, and that I held her paw. God bless.

    August 22nd, 2,022

    In a class, there was a really fat substitute teacher with his shirt off. Moobs hanging out, really sweaty with shorts bunched up to his gunt, his gunt spilling out over them. I felt repulsed. The girl next to me was a type of tiny prissy girl with wispy, ulta-fine blonde hair. Kind of the type that will carry around a chihuahua in a pink leather handbag and be a bridezilla. She said to me, "isn't he such a sweaty gross incel," and I said "for once I agree with you." She made her distaste for him really clear and we were working on a little project that day where we were writing about our favorite show. She prodded me and told me that she felt sick so we went up to the teacher and she tried to sit in his lap and say something like "I have this issue with masturbating...but isn't it all so miniscule?" And he was like "you shouldn't talk about things like that, you're just a young girl." He was trying to lean away from her and get her off his lap but she kept leaning in and aggravating his boner. She grinds on his lap and then goes back to her desk and writes "Pet Pet PET PET PET PET name" over "incel name." She wrote it in red ink, frilly bold letters. His name was Jared, I think. I had a weird dream, I was sleeping on my arm. It was at a coffee meditation place, like with a guy that looked suspiciously like Willy Wonka. He was telling me and my sister some stuff that I don't remember exactly, but he told us to take a scoop of coffee beans and then throw them on the floor. But I spilled them before he said that, and he just nervously laughed, as I tried to pick them up. He also gave us these childish get-to-meet-me sheets that they give you in kindergarten for show-and-tell. I saw this creature. It was like a mix between a wolverine and a skunk and a sloth and a drop bear, mostly just a fluffy black-and-white blob with claws. Kind of a horrific looking face. I took him head on and I rolled into the street, tussling with this creature, and then rolled back as cars were honking at me. So I kept dragging this creature along and on the coast of the lake with the rocky shoreline, I tried to throw him onto the rocks. I did and I saw him retreat into a rocky crevice. Then I saw 5 dead ducks floating in the water, upright, as if they were still alive, but noticeably stiff. 3 of them were ducklings, there was also a large dead fish floating amongst them. Smell of decay. I get back to the camper, and I'm talking to my sister about my fight with the creature. For some reason I'm typing it all out to her on a tablet, like I'm a selective mute or something. There was also a little girl, maybe 6 years old, trying to fight with the creature as well. I wish I remembered more about the coffee part, I saw it in my dreams before and I feel like it's important.

    Monday, August 15th, 2, 022

    Was about to shower, and I mentioned how I wished that you would wash my hair sometimes, but you were also like 53 and grizzly. Like rough stubble facial hair...and I was like, wtf...53...but mostly I ignored it. Scarlett was there too, Luna was gone, I got to pick up my darling and bring her upstairs. I was in my old dungeon room, I mean the unfinished basement room with ripped out fibreglass and canvas walls. My mom was there and taking a shower costed $40k, but it only costed $10k because I am quick and economical in my showering habits. Vague dream where I wished for a baby girl from a witch. I remember daisies and sprinkles.

    Sunday, August 14th, 2, 022

    Sebastian keeps talking to the math teacher (a kid who wanted to kiss me in 2nd grade). Kept calling him daddy, he was annoyed by this but was just trying to brush him off. What an autist. Bottle of 0.5 mg 'neutrogane' and I spill it all over my keyboard, it's a programming class I guess, apparently it's an amepethamine. A witch named Hanau with certain sharp shoulders and a certain narrow, triangular face. Going home, 3rd floor. Andrea with snow in her hair. Feisty girl.

    Saturday, August 13th, 2,022

    Initially I remembered it, I remembered it all, all of the dialogue, but sadly it faded away when I tried to write it. I dreamt of a man named Stepheneerier. He was a Turkish man, stout, nearly bald, furrowed eyebrows. Fish on table, wires separating its organs, a surgery. He was a helper of fish, turned benevolent by them.

    Friday, August 11th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I went to some dilapidated version of Sealife. It kind of reminded me of those old open-air aquariums, historic, where they hosted orca shows. I saw all these marine animals in their small rectangle tanks. In one, there was a female orca, I am forgetting her name now. She could not turn the corner in her tank, absolutely stagnant and miserable. She stared at me, begging her with her eyes, and sadly I had to move on. I wish that I could have saved her. I remember dropping my phone in the adjacent tank and walking away, then coming back and diving in. I sank like a rock, parallel to the sky. It was a natural and fluid retrival of my phone, which had sunk to the bottom of the concrete. Emerged, dry, phone undamaged. I rememebr walking out of the aquarium, they said we could not see anymore without paying, sad and reluctant. It was dusk, and the aquarium opened out into an open plain of fairgrounds. You know, the greasy smell of funnel cake and such. I was lured in by a group next to my family, I was scared of them, but they convinced me to return back. I ended up in a dark cul-de-sac, I remember a house that I had seen before, somehow. It had a bunch of cats on the side-step in front of the house, they would play and tussle with eachother. One looked like Scarlett, not completely, but if I squinted I could see him in her image. He was not a Siamese, but he looked like one, and there was also a real Siamese, and several ginger tabby kittens. I had been there a couple days ago, and so, I cradled the boy that looked like Scarlett in my arms, ringed the doorbell, and asked the woman if I could adopt him. She was mid-50's, maybe, cropped ginger hair and red lipstick. Gold bangle earrings and a sympathetic face, maybe a face I saw when trick-or-treating as a child. The woman said maybe, that his name was Olan and he was still quite young, so she gave me a picture of him with his name on it, and I asked her to write down her address so I could remember to find her house again. I'm awful at remembering where places are. She also mentioned how one of the other kittens she had nursed was a runt, which she placed in an artifical womb to teach him how to breathe, how to feel warmth. He has a disease called cystic (something, no, not cystic fibrosis) and she had to teach this kitten how to breathe by telling him when to breathe in and when to breathe out. It was not a normal rythym, more of an quite deliberate arrythmia. But that was the only way he could live, and so he did.
    I also remember being a black woman, maybe in a different dream, going to one of the cornershops in the dead of night and stealing the change from their tip jar at the entrance (pretty stupid place to put a tip jar). I said something like, sorry for not contributing to the change and they said that it's fine, and I don't remember what else I did there, but I did something.

    Wednesday, August 10th, 2,022

    I had a dream I was vacationing at my grandpa's place with all of my family, and even some people that I did not know. Large, prestigious, clean, but crowded with a cozy atmosphere. Atleast superficially. I felt a more threatening prescense. Within that dream, I had a dream that my sister (the curly-haired, fat, stubborn one) and my younger female cousin were drowning animals in a pool for a Christian group they are apart of. My sister says that she does not believe in God, yet she still says the prayer at her Scouts, ironic. All kinds of animals. Dogs, giraffes, gorilla. "We're trying to down a gorilla" One weiner dog really put up a fight, it took like 5 pople to properly drown him. I was terrified of this. I don't remember what their reasoning was, maybe the carry-on of the sin of Adam and Eve being expressed in these animals. They saw them as primal and unworthy. Then, I woke up from this dream and was in another. I looked outside to see if it was real, palm trees lining the pool, a downed giraffe limply spanning the length of the pool. Absolutely massive giraffe, soft bones and pathetic eyes. Other corpses floating up to the surface. I felt terrified and tried to wake up my mother to tell her, but she just denied it in a hazy daze. She ignored me and I had to sit outside by myself. The chimpanzees and bonobos came down from the rainforest canopy above and they were arguing, they had a millenias-long rivalry. "We will show you what it is like to drown a bonbo," one of the chimpanzees said and a groupd of them drowned a bonobo in the pool. The chief of the chimpanzee captured me, broad pecs, he resembled more of a human, but not really. I was calm. He thought that I would make a good wife for him, and he brought me to his palace. He placed me down on a bed and took off most of my clothes, except for a thigh high on my right leg with the foot part ripped out of it, and then shaved my pussy. It wasn't like an ordinary razor, it was like instantly smooth and plump, child-like. Strange. Then he raped me as his chimpanzee wife. He told me that if it sounded like a fart, I wasn't meant for him, and if it just slipped in easily, I was made for him. He made me lay on my stomach, with my back arched and my arms hugging a pillow. It took a couple of tries to slip in, but eventually he did it, and I felt how it was like to have sex, in a way that I think it's accurate. It's strange and intense. After being crowned the chimpanzee queen, peevishly smiling, I woke up from that dream. I was back in a comfy feather-stuffed arm chair in my grandpa's vacation home, writing down my dreams, doing crosswords, and reading short stories from a collection and writing about my dreams of them, as well. Reluctantly had pancake breakfast (haven't felt like eating recently) with syrup and bananas and smarties that my grandpa had stocked in an organized box, for some reason. And orange juice. Quite a tidy place, white, bright. Grandpa yelled at some guy named Eli Bacon for messing with his bike stuff. He had a coffee stand thing, like the big ones they have at fast food places. Then I woke up, for real.

    I had a dream I went to a children's arcade party, somewhat like Chuck-E-Cheese's, but no animatronics or weird shit like that. I was there with my grandma and sister, my grandma was there to pick up free stuff from someone, I remember I kept looking up the distance between [home city] and [other city] but fumbling around so much that I couldn't find the answer. I was infiltrating the little kid's area in all number of small ways, kind of butting into their play areas and then playfully mocking them and swooping back away. Remember a bunch of teen-aged kids, like 13 or 14 stylish ones, wanting to take a selfie with me. I don't know if they were mocking me or if they actually thought I was cool. I kept playing a car racing game after the arcade had mostly closed to use up all my tokens. It was a car-racing game, but it was also like I had to keep collecting crashed cars on the side of the road, and it became progressively harder and faster. Remember also sleeping, being in a hotel, my mom being a lean drug addict named Junkanna. That might be a separate dream. Hollowed-in cheeks and tired eyes.

    Tuesday, August 9th, 2,022

    I had a dream of warm grays and coldness. Rich and poor, circles and squares.

    Sunday, August 7th, 2,022

    I had a dream that there was a small Asian kid, absolute genius. Photographic memory and all that. "I remember I cut off the second finger on my left hand and only got a slap on the wrist for it" "When I had more fingers I liked to follow the lines of my bones when I cut myself" He had cut most of his fingers off from the stress, leaving only stumps of his thumbs. He made himself go blind, but I don't rememeber how. His mother had disowned him. A cheap house was being sold with the boy, a package deal, with the caveat that you either had to care for him or discard him. He was a husk of himself, tiger moms, you know. I had a dream that I gave birth to "autonomous twins." As newborns they could talk, walk, they seemed to morph indiscriminately through various stages of developments. Is it possible for a soul to move on when the body is still alive? Because that's what it felt like. My twins had the soul of two of my cousins. They are not twins, but they are both girls.

    Saturday, August 6th, 2,022

    I cut my hair in my dream. Scared. Didn't feel like myself.

    Friday, August 5th, 2,022

    I had a dream that my dad went blind (likely do to his unregulated type 2 diabetes) and he was paralyzed on one side of his face (likely due to a stroke or something along those lines). My grandma also went blind but this wasn't as devastating, it happened because she closed on a house. My mom also died, but I don't remember how. I remember laying on the bed with my dad. I remember Skylar (my old therapist) driving me and my sister home, and insisting that we take her Polish donuts with us.

    Thursday, August 4th, 2,022

    I had another dream about Scarlett. My grandpa was there, we had to pick up pizza at a genuine Italian pizza place, but they also offered cremations. We cremated her, came out with a bundle of breadsticks and a couple boxes of pizza. When I came home, I saw her again. I kept thinking that she would dissappear, I felt so lucky to touch her and caress her and just be. With her again. Was she just an apparition? I don't know. I don't remember if my grandpa said anything to me, if anything at all. When we went back to the pizza place, they had taxidermed Scarletts in between the registers. How does that happen? You're still with me.

    Wednesday, August 3rd, 2,022

    "I had a scary dlusiojap dream teilype thing" People kept funneling into my room and it kept expanding like it kept just getting bigger. My mom broke a part of the door open because I apparently wouldn't wake up and she wanted to get something out of my closet. Suddenly I wanted to gorge myself on those Girl Scout lemon circle cookies (I don't know why, they suck) but I couldn't find any. So I went downstairs with some granola bars and nothing in my room was the same and my mom came down and fixed my door eventually. I remember exploring my new expansive room, cold, barefoot, naked. It was like a delusion. At first it was just shapes moving at the edges of my eyes, gradually turning into blurry faces, and then so fully-fledged I could not tell them from reality. I felt scared, very scared and alone. Faces kept phasing in and out of existence, almost like a pulsating rythym. If I squinted I could identify each and every face, but I still had trouble making them out through the blurriness. It was a sprawling, infinite version of my school inside my room, everyone was staring at me and I felt incredibly paranoid and unsafe. There were people skating across the floor, maybe something like a school cafeteria. Somehow I was holding someone's hand, but when I went to look who it was, it was a girl's amputated arm laying next to her and she was entirely nonchalant about it. They were all skating across the floor, extremely sharp skates, one's that would flay you if you were run over by them. I tried to escape out of the railings (the room had opened up, and there was a railing and then a drop down into a cityscape) and Luna was there, down below, trying to get up to me. It was like a lucid nightmare and entirely terrifying, I felt it was actually real and I felt sentient. It felt real.

    Tuesday, August 2nd, 2,022

    I had a dream Scarlett would lay on the counter for two hours while I was in a science class lecture. She would lay on the counter so peacefully and I'd look back at her all of the time and sometimes people would give her a tentative, loving pet. I love her so much. We were learning about something called "talc emergent". It was some kind of deodorant or a heart condition.

    Monday, August 1st, 2,022

    A fat girl confessed to me at school and she was holding my hand but I didn't notice until she said 'hi' to me, and she told me that I was adorable and that she wanted to date me and be with me. She gave me a box of donuts, two half eaten one not eaten. I was very late to science class and decided to just quit and not go, walking to the entrance of the school to leave. I was just like ehmmmm....okay and tried to ignore the girl as best as I could. When I went back home, Scarlett came back to me and she was in my arms again, alive. I felt her fur and saw her breathing up and down. I kept fearing that she would leave as suddenly as she had appeared, but she didn't. I saw her.

    July 25th, 2,022

    I'm struggling to remember it now, but I dreamt of her. I know that I did. I felt Scarlett's precense. I am making progress here. I had three dreams, actually. In the first, I felt her there. It was heaven. It was bright, it smelled like lemon meringue, vinegar, and egg yolks. But mostly vinegar. A blinding brightness, the sound of shining. I know that she had ascended. Clearness, article. In the second, I saw her, but I don't remember how. In the third, big warehouse. I saw boxes of 13 feet long "infinite windsock" Siamese cat plushies, and they reminded me of Scarlett. I wanted to buy one, anything I could have to remember her.

    July 20th, 2,022

    Fever dream. Naked hick women coming into my room through my window and giving me lots of hats. I was topless. And we had two trampolines that they were all jumping on. It was like some celebration of fertility. Someone gave me a gift of Lego babies that piss water.

    July 19th, 2,022

    I had another dream. I was trying to break out of prison (probably just a petty jail) and I was pregnant again and I stole a $70 Christmas angel statue from a garage sale. I was trying to hide it in my bra. . .Predictable.

    July 18th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I went to Japan. I saw Brian there (old science teacher) and we had a

    July 14th, 2,022

    Zombie apocalypse dream. I just woke up, planning to go to school late, then a couple of hours later, everyone is dead and I live in a state of perpetual dread trying to board up all of the windows and put curtains over everything, trying to see how much food I have to last me. Remember looking out the window, listening to the radio. Hiding in the bathroom, crying. Absolutely, utterly alone. Just silence and gnawing sounds. Why didn't I kill myself in that dream?

    July 13th, 2,022

    I had a dream I lived in a lakehouse and there was a lighthouse that was covered in mushy wads of salt and we were trying for a baby (I wasn't really myself in this dream, different me, different family) but my mom's husband cheated on her one night with some Pacific Islander ruddy-faced girl house servant but we decide that we (who is we? I don't know) are not going to give up on this and decide to raise the children on our own to cover up her mistake. There's not a lot of police brutality in Minneapolis anymore, I cut myself and went into the lake, kinda slid in with unkempt hair all over my face. Labyrinth-like pier and boardwalk into the water. Multiple levels. Naked. Watched teenage girls in little skimpy bikinis scream in fear as their skin bloodied and turned blue. They thought that there was something wrong with the water and there was also this little German fairy that tried to help me through all of this.

    July 12th, 2,022

    I had another dream where I gave birth. I was so happy...as you would expect from a baby fever freak like me. My sister, my mom, my grandma and my sister's friend were there for some reason. It was a boy baby. It was weird because it was a home birth, I think, but they still took him away from me for a few minutes, but I was so happy that I didn't even care. They thought I was having twins, but I didn't. Just one cute little baby boy.

    July 8th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I almost had sex with a masochistic tranny prostitute. Middle of winter, close to December. He wanted me to piss on him. Gross dream that I do Not recommend.

    June 29th, 2,022

    I had a dream that my school got bombed. June 10th, 2,022 Dream where I got lost several miles from home. The children all are looking at me and I got lost because I went to school in the summer and they told me they'd have "contact meetings" with me every Thursday in the horrifically sweet way guidance counselors talk. Then my mome was going to drive me home, but she left me several hours away from it. I somehow went to my old house by accident and I had to find a way to sneak out of it. Couldn't take out my phone to figure out how Google Maps work to get back home. It's getting dark and I'm starting to panic. It's scary because it's realistic, I could easily get lost like that.

    June 7th, 2,022

    You in my dream. Turning corners, it was a highschool, most girls taking big cocks and such and we are still virgins and pure and sweet. There is choking and strange meatball sized balls of wax and ??? can't remember after that.

    May 27th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I had Internet and got to talk to you and I woke up, and I didn't get to talk to you anymore and I was so pissed.

    May 15th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I shot up an elementary school as a child and I languished in prison for the rest of my life.

    May 12th, 2,022

    In my dream I kept masturbating to the way you wrote, in general.

    May 11th, 2,022

    I had a dream that the first thing you ever messaged me was a dick picture. (?) We were just talking and then I realized that the first message you sent me was a dick picture and I didn't remember it.

    February 4th, 2,022

    I had a dream that I had a coding test.

    January 6th, 2,022

    Had another dream. There's a guy named Sean (I think it's actually spelled Shaun) in my class and I've always felt kind of repulsed by him, so I guess this is my mind rebelling against me. He takes my virginity, and it was 'kinda like' rape (?) and it's 'funny' because I remember him having to go at it 3 times before he came and even I viewed this as pathetic. Like, 'that's it...?' 9 months later, I give birth, and nobody would let me see the baby and they were being very obscure about it. Left the birth certificate in the bathroom and such, and my mom took the baby away to care for it and I was like 'what the hell, I have tits too' (in terms of breastfeeding). The baby is actually just a giant fucking frog and my mom bought all the typical baby stuff, but it was all frog-themed. I was so horrified and angry that I just wanted to kil everybody. Everyone LOVED the freaky frog baby, and I was still freaking out inside because I would be 14-16 years old in this dream. I still have trouble understanding that it's a Frog and will die in a couple of years. I remember thinking in the dream that I couldn't really remember the past 9 months prior to giving birth. Maybe I repressed it. I just wanted to kill Sean so badly and the frog baby and everyone who was being mean to me by taunting me about the frog baby. I remember in elementary school, he had ringworm, like big welts on his face, and he makes gross perverted jokes. After that, I remember being in my school, not my real one, but my dream school where I've been to before, with a distinctively different and bizarre layout. I end up getting lost trying to find the gym on the roof.

    November 28th, 2,021

    Vague dream that I was cooking today. Cutting up mozzarella cheese into really tiny, microsopic pieces and something about 5/8th of an hour.

    November 5th, 2,021

    It was like a sex orgy in the south. My sister's friend or someone like that saw me through the window with my tits out and he had his mouth open. My sister showed me her texts with him over the incident. Very, very confusing. And I was like 'Oh, I'm not a virgin anymore, but I'm still a virgin for [NAME] or something.

    October 27th, 2,021

    Dream about...egh. I don't like thinking about who. Much more appropriate dream to have about someone else. Both are angels, I make a nest out of the clouds, building all the clouds up and ruffling it. Then the two of us went into it, becoming an inverted cone shape because of the white, cuddling. Yellow, lemon meringue.

    October 26th, 2,021

    I had a dream I took an autism screening test at school.

    September 19th, 2,021

    In my dream I was 190 pounds overnight and Ash (old friend) was there for some reason.

    September 15th, 2,021

    "I got cunny rewards" I had all my stuff in a closet, and someone who looked like my old therapist was helping me and there was this wall with an elevator on it. Then it started to malfunction from the weight of all my stuff on the elevator and all of the shit she gave me after my backpack split open. Everyone started to leave just because they were freaked out and I went out again to get Scarlett and it was snowy. It kind of stopped there. There were classes, lots of classes about art, and Animal Jam, but it was a really fucked up version of Animal Jam. I got prizes in a big, saggy baggy in this class and like I got mini Kanna cunny balloons.

    September 14th, 2,021

    Dream, don't really remember.

    September 12th, 2,021

    "Other people's dreams infiltrated my head."

    August 29th, 2,021

    I had a dream that I went all across the sea, searching for orcas. I brought one back home, and she had red eyes. Camper-chan (an E-girl I followed on Twitter) gouged out her eyes. Vague sense of a lot of inhumane body modifications.

    August 28th, 2,021

    I had a dream that they were trying to take me to the analytics site and I run and try to run on the weird bridge that they made indoors. The owner dude (probably the lead, corrupt doctor) and out of spite, our car gets crashed into the side of the hospital and I get fucked. "It's just the doctor's, it cannot be that bad" But my sister said like no they are taking you to the analytics room and I was like, yeah, and she was like, no!!! So I was like, oh, okay, this is bad. Fuck! The hospital staff reminded me of zombies and the vibe of it was too cheerful. Probably a mental hospital. I felt that I would die in this dream.

    August 23rd, 2,021

    My bass guitar broke and my uncle's son gave the bass his eyes. Gouged them out. Bad dream.

    August 16th, 2,021

    I had a dream where I got to adopt those two cats (my step-dad's sister's cats).

    August 8th, 2,021

    I had a dream where my sister killed herself. There were like 10 other people there and it was in a garage. I thought they were just going to chop her head off, French Revolution style, but no. She walked to this side, and then to the other side to adjust something with the garage. Very eerily cheerful, almost overflowing with excitement. Then she went to the area where the technicians tightened the cables around her neck and hoisted her up into the air. I had to watch. Everyone decided it would be the best for her, and she did, too, considering how she is. I don't think I watched the end, I just resigned my head into a blue velvet pillow and cried and cried and cried while she suffocated to death.

    August 5th, 2,021

    Had a dream, didn't care to write it down.

    August 1st, 2,021

    Part of my dream, it was like I was shattered into four different pieces. And I had to talk around, trying to find all the pieces of me, constantly trying to remember what they do and why do I need them back. They were all different colors, and I kept repeating to myself, "You don't really need them. . .but isn't it better to be four people instead of just one?" It went on for what felt like 8 FUCKING HOURS. There was a blaring header always in my vision, always in my head, in a script that I could not decipher, kind of like those MMO maruqees. Just constant thoughts of, I have to find this I have to. All snow. Disembodied body. The worst dream I ever had, woke up feeling more tired (even after staying awake for 24 hours prior to the dream) and shattered my brain entirely. Then it morphed into a dress-making class with some bitch named Mrs. Poussy and ???. There was also training for it, like bandits that will ambush you and you need to walk in a certain way that counts as sneaking down a line in a shittily-made dress. And they asked me, Korea or Russia? I woke up multiple times through this, and kept reverting back into this hell-hole because my head hurt too badly it felt impossible to get up.

    July 13th, 2,021

    Weird dream. Me and my family went on a trip to Japan and we went to this big arcade shopping place. So I was getting plushies, and for some reason I was getting them all for free, like in the claw machines. I got a plushie that looks like my blue narwhal one, but it's a shark with a curved nose and I named him Lani. I also got a red shark and a red flying fish and another big plushie, I think a manta ray. We looked around, got all the stuff that we wanted, and went into the elevator. It closed before I got in, so my leg got caught in the door. The door opens then and I get in. The door closes and it free-falls to the ground. I'm the only one that survives, I make it back to civilization, and become royalty. I also remember super-modern design, rainbow pulsating lights, curvaceous stairs. Dubai type design.

    July 12th, 2,021

    Morrowind-type aesthetics, kind of a university or academy. The president of the academy put us under magic because we were wearing white robes, and white robes are apparently a fashion atrocity. Wear purple robes, or cherry red robes are fine too, or muted gray with warm undertones. The president was Black and everyone else was a Dunmer. Levitation paralysis magic, it was. Somewhere off the coast of Florida, it was. There was a big TV where people would watch propaganda documentaries. There were also horses and cows and other animals in hallways that were also stables, and they went crazy if you went into them. My grandma was there also, in a lot of the rooms they had glass walls and she was like in the pool aisle "I need to shit that's why I'm here but Briana is missing" (who is Briana). To get into the school you had to do this really weird interview and then the president just came to the door and was like "will you pick up that spill or are you ever accidentally mean to someone" and then he'd let you in. The interview itself is hard to describe. . .There was a cat that I got rewarded or he got rewarded or something and they were putting little squares of wax candles to randomize his hex code and name. There was also a literal quest tab in my dream.

    May 30th, 2,021

    I had a dream where my grandpa gave me a fish tank and I put it outside without a lid or whatever. I got a blood-red cichild or a parrot cichild or something like that and then later I put in a goldfish and some other fish, maybe. Then I forgot to come back to it for a couple of days and all the fish were dead and there were two dead birds floating at the surface of the tank.

    April 10th, 2,021

    I had weird dreams that I do not remember.

    April 9th, 2,021

    I had a dream that I had a brain implant in my brain and was going to explode and kill me and I was also a sheep.

    April 5th, 2,021

    I loved someone, but they were really mean to me and I didn't realize that they were actually just messing with me for fun and never actually cared about me.

    April 3rd, 2,021

    Someone and their friend were drowning and I think he died because I couldn't make it in time. Moss and scraped knees.

    February 7th, 2,021

    I had a dream where my family either all died, or we all moved to sweden.

    February 6th, 2,021

    We went camping and we didn't spend time most of the time because you were so sleepy and wanted to spend time with other people. I wrote a note when you were sleeping, saying that I would come back, but then I realized other people might look in my notebook so I came back just in time before my mom and aunt noticed it. Then me and my mom and my brother went to go get gas and go home, and gas was $1.49 a gallon (what a dream) and we bought 12 female rabbits and 10 male rabbits and they had wire to wrap around the males' necks and twine for the females to differentiate them and they came with carrots, and celery, and such. We got milk and stuff and while we were driving back home I had my car door open, but we saw the cops coming so I closed it really fast and my mom was like, "that was fast." And I think my family didn't really know who you were, like I smuggled you in. And I wanted to spend more time with you there, and I couldn't, also I may or may not have been Tomoko, I'm not sure.

    July 29th, 2, 019

    I had a dream that I shot myself in the head. Bad dream.

    July 13th, 2, 019

    I had a dream about Postal (? I wonder if I should give him an alias here. . .?) I don't remember what it was about.

    January 8th, 2, 019

    Had a dream someone was going to cut my hair off and I was so scared.

    December 15th, 2, 018

    Vague dream about my uncle being killed or me killing him and other weird stuff.

    November 9th, 2, 018

    I had a dream that cheese budded and flowered on trees.

    November 1st, 2, 018

    I had a dream that I got a bass guitar and my fingers were too fat to play it.
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    Anyone who can love me is the purest kind of angel.