STOMACH BOOK by STOMACH BOOK // Tues., May 18th, 2,022
After I discovered this album, it was all I listened to for the rest of the day. I replayed it over five times...It just struck me as being strikingly me, and I wanted to revel in that music that sounded so much like my brain.
In my little space
Nothing changes
I don't like this place
I wanna escape this
I made all those promises
To distract myself from the meaninglessness
Does anyone else see
How scary it is to exist?
One day you will die
And everything you write
Will be as pointless in death as it was when you
Were still alive
The screams of a tiny girl
Are of no concern to the whole wide world
No matter how loud
If I disappear
Who's to say that I was herе?
Though nothing will ever satisfy
I wanna feel alive
Though nothing will еver satisfy
I wanna feel alive
I wanna feel alive (I wanna feel alive)
Though nothing will ever satisfy
I wanna feel alive
I wanna feel alive (I wanna feel alive)
Though nothing will ever satisfy
I wanna feel alive
I wanna feel alive
Even through the pain
Animals cannot change
Dance with the skeletons
And float away
Echoes through the trees
Hear their voices singing
Come home with us my friend
And we'll be at peace
Pray
For a change
A cocoon about to break
But now
You feel strange
And the wings started to take shape
Nobody wants to hear your crying
And in the morning they will get up and leave
You're just a freak and you are dying
Waiting for something that you wanted to see
Nobody wants to hear your crying
They wanna tear off all your limbs, bit by bit
There will be no use in denying
There is no rhyme or reasoning behind it
I've got devils inside me
Right in there between my teeth
Stabbing needles in my brain
Scratching skin and leaving bloodstains
Sometimes I can't even breathe
I just hear my head ringing
Lose hold of reality
There is no way you can save me
Glass figurine
How you move about the scene
How you twist, how you bend
To a song with no beginning or end
Pulled by the strings
Color absent from the scene
But I hear a small cry
"Just let me die"
In a dream state
They're rearranging your face
Lingering, warm and sweet
Fingers feeling where your eyes used to be
Once, we were friends
Now we'll never meet again
So adieu, so adieu
I still lovе you
Comely puppet, oh comely puppеt
I'm searching for, that smile of yours
But your head is filled up with cotton
All your pleasant features have been forgotten
Forgive, don't forget!
While you forgive, don't forget!
Ok?
Move along, move along, move along now
Even though your heart screams with regret
When the night ends, when the night ends
Find a way to carry on!
World keeps turning, undiscerning
And it's dragging all of us along by the neck
World keeps turning, we are burning
All our bandages
Hikari by Oceans Ate Alaska // Sat., May 14th, 2,022
Ever since I've found this album I've been listening to it constantly, which usually isn't something I like to do with music. Usually I get bored listening to the same thing over and over again, but perhaps I've changed. I cannot tell the end from the start.
Incarcerated between these worlds
Reality seems to lose its hold
We hide away and try to fill the space between these thoughts
Detached from everything that lives and breathes
Emotions just words on a screen
So fabricated is the life we lead
So fabricated is the life we lead
Side by side
You’ll watch the whole world pass you by
An affliction, this addiction
Side by Side
Out of sight, you’re out of mind
So obsessed with imitation
Stuck living in this cycle of vanity
Will self loathing even matter if they're calling your name
Call my name
When happiness is so dependent on shallow words
Spoken from the mouths of introverts
Measuring your own self worth
Feeding your anxieties
They’ll throw you to the wolves
At the slightest hint of weakness
Just don't let it defeat us
Turn a blind eye
Why should you give a fuck
What they say
I'll never give a
Fuck what they say
Your judgements preconceived of me
Don't waste your life living a lie
Worthless lie
Incarcerated between these worlds
Incarcerated between these worlds
These worlds
This is my favorite song from the album, Hansha. It's probably about the modern-day vanity stemming from social media and societal pressures, but I wish that it wasn't about that because it's a concept that has been done to death, even if it's undoubtedly true. I love this song, I love the songs, my brain might convince me to make an animatic about it. Though it's a perfect song of all the values I try to proselytize, to live unapologetically for yourself and disregard the feelings of shin-lickers and throwaways. Of course, I still value the opinions of those close to me, but it's a very freeing process to initiate and try to seperate yourself from the cruel gossamer of the vindictive normie spider web. I could listen to it over and over, it feels and tastes and smells like Vidalia onions, but also sweet fresh air. I'm not quite sure how to describe it.
Born to premeditated harm
Her infant limbs
Ripped from her mother's arms
Born to premeditated harm
Lifeless
She never wanted this
She never wanted to live like this
No honour
They raise her to her feet
Pure as the lotus leaves
Blossoming from this
From this disfigured earth
Yet so colourless
...
Stalking in the confines of the night
With a thirst to massacre her fucked up mind
She rises to her feet
Her heart empty of grief
Something sharper
No mercy, no neck remains un-cleaved
As she watches the kingdom burn redder than the autumn leaves
No mercy, no neck remains un-cleaved
I like the narrative quality of these lyrics. She seeks vegeance.
Silver tongue, silver tongue
It's all bullshit that stems from his lungs
Played sweet deceiver for so long
This web he weaved will soon be undone
Qualities of a master manipulator...gilden words and saccharine affectations. It's easy to fall prey to this, and hearing it sung in this manner is pretty heartwrenching.
Down foreign paths and uncharted shores
The beauty lies within these wars
Overcome the wilderness, with countless failures
For I'm not living just to exist
I'm on the verge of discovering this person I'm meant to be
I'm on the verge of discovering
This person I'm meant to be
I'm on the verge of discovering
My calling
I, too, am delighting in finally allowing myself to flourish as I am. I don't want to apologize for being "delusional", for being unhinged, I don't have to explain my artwork and what it means to me. I owe no explanation to anyone, I only owe it to myself and what I wish to share with others. Sometimes trying to write about these lyrics feels quite pretentious and I'm not quite sure how to analyze them, but they lyrics throughout this album have really resonated with me. I wish to live because I exist to create continually and eternally, and to protect those that have beckoned for my assistance. It's just difficult to explain how much I love it, and how I've found this new-found desire to live. It's strange, and I'm not used to wanting to live.
My innocence consumed by fear
Drowning in waterfalls of tears
Yet through a tyranny of words
There's still love here
Can't you see that there is still love here?
Battered and broken
Left stripped of emotion
These wounds go far beyond skin deep
What have you done to me?
What have you done to me?
Starved of the love I craved so desperately
Just a child
The one that you defiled
I bear the scars from my past
A life that you had exiled
Just a child
Born condemned to rejection
I won't say much, but this is deeply relatable throughout multiple eras of my life...my childhood, past relationships, whatever. Just to be emotionally neglected as a child, often you never realize how much you're missing out on until you hear how other people speak of their families. You never realize how much they never cared, only praising you for the fact that they thought you didnt need their love and how much more convenient this made it for them. It can really germinate some resentment in you, preventing you from reaching you your true purity and potential. "Starved of the love I craved so desperately," I was absolutely willing to be abused if it meant that I would be afforded some pitiful amount of love or validation, anyone to talk to and anyone who will tolerate me and pretend that they care.
Solar Flare by Rav and Kill Bill // Thurs., May 12th, 2,022
I remember listening to this album during a science test I had freshman year, and I just felt ecstatic. I listened to it again, sitting on those massive wooden slabs they have the gall to call "stairs", because I felt that unforgiving heat of summer rushing in. My math teacher let us leave to go to lunch early, and told us not to even bother coming back after lunch because the A/C had broken and sitting in there clouded the mind and just ruined any morsel of motivation you could muster up. It's a really comforting album for me, albeit pretty short.
I counted every promise that had melted in the snow
On my fingertips; I started sproutin' digits, you know
Permafrost on my lips
Forgot my bones at home I guess I'm lost in the zip
I pinky-promised 'til the frostbite took it
I'm sitting crooked
Got some new fourteens
That match these Newport dreams
Who want it?
I let these building blocks just scattered across my fuckin' carpet rust
You etched a portrait in my skull and scars you carved with trust
A heart of dust a mind of cavities with nickel-plated promise
Staring contest with the barrel, let's be honest
I don't know you, you don't know me
We ain't even met
We can cross the sea and ocean, float
Just goin' through the motions
Jagged little pieces of the puzzle;
Sippin' on the colors 'til I fade into grey
I put my life into a bottle, let you guzzle
I found a star that I could ride and let you chase me away
I put my pride inside a cosmic mud puddle
Y'all be fucking with my galaxy
The myriad is mad at me
Intergalactic tug-o-war to try to one-up you
What you want?
Fuck you, I don't even wanna love you
Let gravity crush you
Feel the atrophy bubble inside the muscle
Hit capacity a moment ago, but on the low
I'm in the cockpit, watch this
Pressing all your buttons
Nonsense comments flow through our discussions
I by I, Valiance // Wed., May 11th, 2,022
Pacing around in inpatient circles as I listen to this...I'd much prefer to walk out in the hallway, but I don't have the privilege of doing that right now. I'm sure I'd feel a lot less dizzy and disoriented, but it was a necessity nonetheless. My favorite song from this EP is Witches Den. Very spacey feel. I've listened to this EP plenty before though, it's mostly just the cover art I find supremely comforting. Quite concise, but also childish and dreamy...
I know it exists beneath me
But I love drinking his spit give and the confidence to not ever give a shit
I feel my soul corrupting
I want to bury the world in a pit and smother it in mounds dirt and shit
I am free, I am free, I am, free now motherfucker
Moons full at the witches den
The slime are out to eat
Indulging in shame, Filth and decay is what they crave
Place of forgotten dreams, Come and devour me
I sit in the corner watching snakes speak in tongues
Words are spoken of the night that will become
The pills go down, The room explodes with ecstacy
The serpants dance to the vibrations of a beat
Intoxicated, Heart racing they can barely breathe
The night goes on in these moments of eternity
Delving deeper into the depths I descend into the witches den
The place where nightmares tread and the dust they snort hasn't killed them yet
These fiends, Will never see, What we could fucking be
These fiends will never see what we could fucking be
They dream of a world that gleams selfish love and get rich schemes
I feel hate, inside me, Evolving
Free yourself of doubt, Free yourself of boundries
Live free in the moment, Live Life profoundly
Two faces, Behind this fask, But you'll never fucking see it man
I am sinking in a pile of quick sand, Travelling the world in the back of a shit van
Scraping along as I write some song
Slowly I withering away and then Im gone
The Color Clear by Reflections // Mon., May 9th, 2,022
I never knew
You were more than a voice that made its home inside my head
Now I'm carving scars in my arms
To remember what it feels like to feel anything
That was only the start
My addiction to tearing myself apart
I'm in love with hating myself
It's the only real thing I've ever felt
Fuck!
I hold a gun to the head of God
Please tell me where I went wrong
Every single step I take
Leads me right back to the same mistakes
I've been here before
But I adore the pain keep coming back for more
I bleed just to see
If there's anything left inside of me
We are a perfect fit
A sadist and a masochist
I've never been good enough
I am never good enough
Really excruciatingly painful lyrics....hurt my soul like no other when I heard this song. Self-loathing feels almost as a necessity, a necessary but ultimately comforting evil. It feels uncomfortable and just inexplicably wrong, sometimes, to try to break out of that. I feel mentally nauseous. Lately I've also berated myself for my inability to ever do enough, the twinging pain of the fact that one person can really do so pathetically little. I never do everything that I plan on doing.
I've developed infatuations
Intertwined by hallucinations
They have become my only inspiration
I realize life's foundation
Has become manipulation
No one really cares
A moment I have waited for
With such anticipation
I'll exhale my last breath
With no sense of hesitation
Really enjoying the imagery this dregs up....betrayed by the world, there's really no sense of permanency and willingly you'll give yourself up to death. Blue, green, blue, green, red....Maybe a flash of burgundy and yellow at the end of it. Feels like screws and bolts gnashing against teeth, and such, and such...Infatuations are often one of the few things that keeps me going to. I cannot separate my mind from them, I have to do this or that or I'll wanna shoot myself in the head...It's been getting worse lately.
My pigmentation is turning black
Now I know that I'll never be turning back
In this world where hell means home
I will come up from the bottom
Through sticks and stones
It's all your fault
I've become so hollow
An apparition of my own ghost
I won't ever
Crawl down to your level
I'd rather rot in limbo
Sit here and play this game
Let's skip the introduction
And say no names
My own is my own
In rooms of thousands
I still stand alone
Why am I
The only one
With eyes as empty as the ocean
ㅤ
I knew I should have known
I wish I never let you see what I've shown
I've lost all hope
I was born to be alone
I knew I should have known
I wish I never let you see what I've shown
I've lost all hope
I was born to be alone
A short while ago, I felt the need to doom myself to an eternity of loneliness as some fucked-up self-sacrifice, an attempt to stop myself from hurting those people who loved me. At a certain point you really do become a shell of yourself, and I'm still trying to recover from this....
Pseudo smiles and empty eyes
I think I've been hypnotized
Shallow hearts and narrow minds
Can't you see?
You're blind
Your eyes are like kaleidoscopes
I've been sleeping with my hands around my throat
Please show me a way to see through the smoke
I'm falling into patterns I thought I broke
And I wish you would whisper my name through the wind
One more time
Your eyes are like kaleidoscopes....like oceans....I wish I could look people in the eyes without being so unimaginably scared, like a terrified, wild beast. My fear is primal and unavoidable.
Slave to insomnia
Dreamless and sleepless
Counting the stars
Just to watch them fall
Prisoner of phobia
Afraid of my shadow
I never know
Who I'll be tomorrow
Desolate fields...walking walking, trudging along down those crestfallen steps.
It was always my greatest fear
Everyone I love would disappear
Just like the color clear
Just like the color clear
Ending of the album, tying back into the title. Love love love this album, feels like knives piercing into my soul...Exactly what I need right now, I think.
